“- Freud: And so, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all his deepest anxieties about himself. And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.
- Ted: Whoa...
- Freud: Okay, Ted?
- Ted: Yes... Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud...
- Freud: Bill?
- Bill: Nah. Just got a minor oedipal complex.”
Rod Loomis - Freud
Keanu Reeves - Ted 'Theodore' Logan

“- Amanda: Why are you talking to your therapist about me?
- Jade: She says I talk too much about myself.”
Monica Potter - Amanda
Shalom Harlow - Jade

“There's a trashy book written on every line of her face.”

Jody Daniels - Finley 'Critter' Jones

“Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none.”
Mark Addy - Dave

“- 'Teensy' Melissa Whitman: I can't tell if that's a scar or a wrinkle.
- Caro Eliza Bennett: Yeah, that's a wrinklepal. There's some scars behind your ears though.
- 'Teensy' Melissa Whitman: Shut up.”
Fionnula Flanagan - Teensy' Melissa Whitman
Maggie Smith - Caro Eliza Bennett