“- King Neptune: You have confessed to the crime of touching the royal crown.
- Prisoner: B-but it's my job, your Highness. I'm the royal crown polisher!
- King Neptune: Well, I suppose I can't execute you. Twenty years in the dungeon it is!”
Jeffrey Tambor - King Neptune
Joshua Seth - Prisoner

“Justice doesn't mean the bad guy goes to jail, it just means that someone pays for the crime.”
Mario - Andre Bryant

“- Recruiter: Have you ever been convicted of a felony or a misdemeanor? That's robbery, rape, car theft, that sort of thing.
- John: Convicted? No.
- Russell: Never convicted.”

William Lucking - Recruiter
Bill Murray - John
Harold Ramis - Russell

“- Asneeze: I've been in here for a while. Perhaps I could be of service. Do you have any questions?
- Robin Hood: What are you in for?
- Asneeze: Jaywalking.”

Isaac Hayes - Asneeze
Cary Elwes - Robin Hood

“- Steve Dodds: Ro-ads. Ro-ods.
- Mike Donnelly: Quiet back there! I've taken enough guff from you for one day!
[turns to state trooper]
- Mike Donnelly: Raving psycho! Butchered 400 chickens and screwed a beagle. I'm taking him back to Nevada where he's wanted for banging horses!”

David Spade - Steve Dodds
Chris Farley - Mike Donnelly