“I'll be at church when they get a smoking section.”
Tyler Perry - Madea

“- Tom: This is supposed to be good for cigarette mouth. Do you smoke?
- Alice: When I drink or go out at night, I smoke. I live dangerously - on the edge. I'm no kindergarten teacher.”
Robert Sean Leonard - Tom
Chloë Sevigny - Alice

“As the year draws to a close... I would like to share with you just a few things about myself, things of which I'm especially proud. First, I am proud to say that I don't smoke, I don't drink and I don't swear. Oh shit, I do smoke and drink. To our dear friends, may the best of your past be the worst of your future.”

Tom Amandes - Hal

“I will only smoke once... a day. And I will only have a drink once a week… I mean a day.”
Ellen Burstyn - Viviane Joan 'Vivi' Abbott Walker

- Polly Bailey: Well, maybe we should change our slogan to "If you must drink and drive, suck charcoal".
- Nick Naylor: Won't the police ask about the charcoal in your mouth?
- Bobby Jay Bliss: There's not a law against charcoal.
- Polly Bailey, Nick Naylor: Yet.
Maria Bello - Polly Bailey
Aaron Eckhart - Nick Naylor
David Koechner - Bobby Jay Bliss