- Polly Bailey: Well, maybe we should change our slogan to "If you must drink and drive, suck charcoal".
- Nick Naylor: Won't the police ask about the charcoal in your mouth?
- Bobby Jay Bliss: There's not a law against charcoal.
- Polly Bailey, Nick Naylor: Yet.
Maria Bello - Polly Bailey
Aaron Eckhart - Nick Naylor
David Koechner - Bobby Jay Bliss

“No smoking, no drinking? What kind of country is this?”
Renaud - Zero

“- Lori Campbell: What are you doing? I thought you were gonna quit.
- Gibb: I only smoke when I drink now.
- Kia Waterson: But you're always drinking.”
Monica Keena - Lori Campbell
Katharine Isabelle - Gibb
Kelly Rowland - Kia Waterson

“I will only smoke once... a day. And I will only have a drink once a week… I mean a day.”
Ellen Burstyn - Viviane Joan 'Vivi' Abbott Walker

“- Colonel Erhardt: I've always suspected something wrong with a man who does not drink or smoke.
- Frederick Bronski: You mean like our Fuhrer?
- Colonel Erhardt: Yes... no!”

Charles Durning - Col. Erhardt
Mel Brooks - Dr. Frederick Bronski