“- Wayne Szalinski: Given that my machine can substantially reduce the size of bulky payloads... and fuel supplies of the savings to the space program would be staggering.
- Professor Frederickson: Mr. Szalinski, are you trying to tell me that suddenly size is no longer relative?”
Rick Moranis - Wayne Szalinski
Craig Richard Nelson - Professor Frederickson

“A creationist can embarrass an evolutionist by asking for a definition of species.”
Walter Lang

“My daddy always used to say there was a separate god for children.”
Mary-Louise Parker - Ruth Jamison

- Creepy Guy: Know how many assassins it took to kill JFK?
- Nelson Hibbert: One?
- Creepy Guy: Nope. There were no gunmen at all. His head just did that. I call it the "No Bullet theory".
Enrico Colantoni - Creepy Guy
Dave Foley - Nelson Hibbert

“- Carter: Lee, let me introduce you to Carter's new theory of criminal investigation: follow the rich white man.
- Lee: Follow the rich white man?
- Carter: Behind every big crime there's a rich white man waiting for his cut.”
Chris Tucker - Carter
Jackie Chan - Lee