“- Female Highway Patrol Officer: Looks like we found something.
- Big John: What's that?
- Female Highway Patrol Officer: A concealed weapon.”

Leilani Sarelle - Female Highway Patrol Officer
Fred Thompson - Big John

“- Jane Spencer: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?
- Frank Drebin: I used to have that problem.
- Jane Spencer: What did you do about it?
- Frank Drebin: I just think about baseball.”

Priscilla Presley - Jane Spencer
Leslie William Nielsen - Frank Drebin

“It's not your fault - it's men! Testosterone! They should put it in bombs.”

Kathy Bates - Det. Shirley Vogel

“Tonight, you pukes will sleep with your rifles. You will give your rifle a girl's name because this is the only pussy you people are going to get. Your days of finger-banging ol' Mary-Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties are over! You're married to this piece. This weapon of iron and wood. And you will be faithful.”

R. Lee Ermey - Gny. Sgt. Hartman

“- Matt Arnold: How about I shoot you in the hand?
- Jenny Herk: My first hand job.”
Ben Foster - Matt Arnold
Zooey Deschanel - Jenny Herk