“- Deputy Mayor Kevin Calhoun: You keep looking at that thing as if it weren't kosher.
- Abe Goodman: A cut of meat is kosher. A piece of fish, savory foods, and all kinds of dang things are kosher, but a probation report is not kosher. A probation report is merely a probation report.”
John Cusack - Deputy Mayor Kevin Calhoun
David Paymer - Abe Goodman

“- Maria Portokalos: It's a cake! I know! Thank you! Thank you very, very much.
- Maria Portokalos: [whispering to Aunt Freida] There's a hole in this cake!”

Lainie Kazan - Maria Portokalos

“- Principal Elder: Bruce, we do things differently here. One of the things we do not do is teach our secrets to white, blacks. They are the enemy.
- Bruce Lee: They are not the enemy. They just don't know us. We've been so closed for so long, they've never seen the real beauty of our culture. Lets show it to them.”

Aki Aleong - Principal Elder
Jason Scott Lee - Bruce Lee

“I'm a professional businessman not a professional Pakistani. And there is no question of race in the new enterprise culture.”

Saeed Jaffrey - Uncle Nasser

“I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!”
Chris Rock - Caretaker