“- Hank: You had enough? You've learned your lesson about jumping rope in the street and using dirty language?
- Jump Rope Girl: I'm gonna tell my daddy on you, Charlie!
- Hank: Wrong answer! And the name's Hank, fuckface. Learn it!”

Jim Carrey - Hank
Heather Hodder - Jump Rope Girl

“- Leopold the Tutor: I'm teaching him Latin, I'm teaching him biology, algebration, calculometry, physiconomy, and astrology.
- Mr. Spanish Ambassador: But he doesn't even know how to read!”
Ben Daniels - Leopold the Tutor
Arturo Venegas - Mr. Spanish Ambassador

“- Eugene: Is she a virgin?
- Scary German Guy: Yes, she can do it!
- Patrick: She can't read, she's five years old!
- Scary German Guy: I'll help her!”

Michael Faustino - Eugene
Leonardo Cimino - Scary German Guy
Robby Kiger - Patrick

“- Colonel William Sharp: Get off... the nuclear... warhead.
- Rockhound: I was doing that guy from that movie, you know, Slim Pickens, where he rides it all the way in, the nuclear warhead.
- Colonel William Sharp: Now.
- Rockhound: Oh, you didn't see that one, huh?”

William Fichtner - Colonel Willie Sharp
Steve Buscemi - Rockhound

“You know what your problem is? You are so goddamn bored, you have to invent things to bitch about! You don't have a single thing to do on this Earth except for your hair! The closet was fine, you just needed something to fill up your useless, nail-polishing, toe-polishing, rich bitch, sun-tanning days!”

Kurt Russell - Dean Proffitt