“- Steve Butabi: Oh my God, Doug. This is the most amazing place I've ever been.
- Richard Grieco: Guys, guys. This is the coat room. The club's in here.”
Will Ferrell - Steve Butabi
Richard Grieco - Richard Grieco

“- Susan Cooper: Where'd you get a suit?
- Rick Ford: I fucking made it, didn't I?”
Melissa McCarthy - Susan Cooper
Jason Statham - Rick Ford

“- Mrs. Pascal: Oh my God, I sounded just like a mother! Didn't I sound just like a mother?
- Marty Pascal: You are a mother.
- Mrs. Pascal: I know, but I still can't believe it. I look at you people and wonder, how did you ever fit in my womb?”
Geneviève Bujold - Mrs. Pascal
Josh Hamilton - Marty Pascal

“- Ed: I wonder how they get the wienie into the corny exterior?
- Monique: A question that has plagued mankind for centuries.”

Kel Mitchell - Ed
Shar Jackson - Monique

“Henry is gone and the rest of us are safe. But sometimes, late at night, I find myself thinking - not about Henry, but about Susan - and wondering, if she had it to do over, would she make the same choice? I guess I'll always wonder. But I know I'll never ask.”

Elijah Wood - Mark