- Jeff Dunham: Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
- Walter: It's like drinking a slurpy.
- Jeff Dunham: A slurpy.
- Walter: First couple of sips, it's like "boy this is really good! I'm glad I did this!". Then you keep drinking, it goes right to your head, and you go "ow, ow, ooooow! What the hell was I thinking? Someone kill me please!".
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Walter

“She was like the water that freezes inside a rock and breaks it apart. It was no more her fault than it is the fault of the water when the rock shatters.”
Gordon Tootoosis - One Stab

“- Josie Geller: You know, Adelie penguins, they spend their whole lives looking for that one other penguin and when they meet them, they know. And they spend the rest of their lives together.
- Tracy: But I'm not a penguin.
- Sam Coulson: It's an analogy.”
Drew Barrymore - Josie Geller
Katie Lansdale - Tracy
Michael Vartan - Sam Coulson

“I miss you like the sun misses the flower. Like the sun misses the flower in the depths of winter. Instead of beauty to direct its light to the heart hardens like the frozen world your absence has banished me to.”

Alan Tudyk - Wat

“- Rosie: Listen. Listen, take your father here. What's his favorite food?
- Rosie, Mollie: Cheesecake.
- Rosie: What did Dr. Slocum tell him?
- Mollie: Cut back on cholesterol.
- Rosie: So, now he doesn't eat cheesecake. It's the same exact thing.”

Olympia Dukakis - Rosie
Kirstie Alley - Mollie