- Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.
- Randal: Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick ya mook, you're too weird and sad.
- Elias: I turn down chicks left and right.
- Randal: Your chicks are your "left" and "right".
Trevor Fehrman - Elias
Jeff Anderson - Randal

“Madame, if you continue masturbating my driver, you are going to be a murderer.”

Howard Hesseman - McBride

“- Hannah: Could you have ruined yourself somehow?
- Mickey: How could I ruin myself?
- Hannah: I don't know. Excessive masturbation?
- Mickey: You gonna start knocking my hobbies?”

Mia Farrow - Hannah
Woody Allen - Mickey

“Were you masturbating? You don't have to call it that word if that makes you uncomfortable. You can call it Sam's happy time or
my special alone time with myself.”

Julie White - Judy Witwicky

“- Billy: You were right. Women are bad, masturbating's good.
- Charlie Anders: No... masturbating's lonely.”
Brendan Fehr - Billy
Max Beesley - Charlie Anders