“- Jeff Kohlver: Who the hell are you?
- Hayley Stark: I am every little girl you ever watched, touched, hurt, screwed, killed.”
Patrick Wilson - Jeff Kohlver
Ellen Page - Hayley Stark

“- Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child?
- Kate Baker: Oh no. We have 12.
- Tom Baker: I couldn't keep her off of me.”
Paula Marshall - Tina Shenk
Bonnie Hunt - Kate Baker
Steve Martin - Tom Baker

“- Anna Valerious: What are these things?
- Van Helsing: I think they're Dracula's children.
- Anna Valerious: His children?
- Van Helsing: A man, with three gorgeous women, for four hundred years?”
Kate Beckinsale - Anna Valerious
Hugh Jackman - Abraham Van Helsing

“And just remember, the best thing about kids... is making them!”
Rodney Dangerfield - Thornton Melon

“- Yang: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
- Pugsley Addams: Our parents are having a baby, too.
- Wednesday Addams: They had sex.”
Micah Hata - Yang
Jimmy Workman - Pugsley Addams
Christina Ricci - Wednesday Addams