“Juan Castillo... went to jail... for having sex with a goat. Ok? We lived on a farm! And I got lonely! We were just a couple of crazy kids!”
Steve Lemme - Juan

“- Dr. Necessiter: As you know, my research has advanced to a point where I can put her mind into the body of a gorilla.
- Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr: I couldn't fuck a gorilla.”

David Warner - Dr. Alfred Necessiter
Steve Martin - Dr. Michael Hfuhruhurr

“Bear... bearfucker, do you need assistance?”

Michael Weaver - Local Officer Smy

“- Detective Marcus Burnett: [over the radio] Mike! There's a papa rat humping the shit out of this mama rat. No, he's straight pile-driving her!
- Detective Mike Lowrey: Now, how is that information gonna help me do my job?
- Detective Marcus Burnett: They fuck just like us!”
Martin Lawrence - Detective Marcus Burnett
Will Smith - Detective Mike Lowrey

“- Cowboy: You were right, I was a brain dead redneck asshole. Though I never screwed a sheep or my sister.
- Heather Mooney: Why not, couldn't catch 'em?”
Justin Theroux - Cowboy
Janeane Garofalo - Heather Mooney