“- Tom Hardy: How was California?
- Danny Detillo: Sunny.
- Tom Hardy: Sunny? You've been out there two years and that's all you've got to say?
- Danny Detillo: The Simpsons are on an hour earlier.”
Bruce Willis - Det. Tom Hardy
Tom Sizemore - Det. Danny Detillo

“I never said family don't break up. Don't you watch Oprah?”
Damon Wayans - Maj. Benson Payne

“- Staunton's Secretary: I was in California once. How do you get any work done with all that sunshine?
- Katherine Ann Watson: We tan in class.”
Julia Roberts - Katherine Ann Watson

“- Roy O'Bannon: There's this new thing they're starting out in California: moving pictures. There's no sound, so we won't have to worry about the language problem, and I think the kung fu stuff could be huge! People are dying for a good action flick.
- Chon Wang: Chon Wang, movie star? It could work.”
Owen Wilson - Roy O'Bannon
Jackie Chan - Chon Wang

“I sent two healthy 65-year old parents to South Florida. 30 years later - dead! I mean what is it, the water, the air - it's a death camp!”
Robert Klein - Himself