“- Doctor: Your testicles have grown to the size of Florida oranges.
- Maxxx Orbison: Don't you think I notice that? Tell me something I don't know, you cocky prick!
- Doctor: I am going to have to amputate your pee pee.”
Lloyd Kaufman - Doctor
Michael Dean Jacobs - Maxxx Orbison

“- DC Cop: The Feds are looking for him, too. Real nice business he's got?
- Agent Fox Mulder: What's that?
- DC Cop: Sellingnakedpictures of little kids on his computer. You looking for him for some other reason?
- Agent Fox Mulder: Yeah. I had an appointment for a pelvic examination.”

Larry Joshua - DC Cop
David Duchovny - Agent Fox Mulder

“- Gloria Russell: Bill, I need you to examine her.
- Bill Burton: I'm no gynecologist.
- Gloria Russell: I just made you one!
- Bill Burton: Oh, Christ...”
Judy Davis - Gloria Russell
Scott Glenn - Bill Burton

“- Dr. Seward: Count Dracula, allow me to introduce Professor Abraham Van Helsing of London University. He's a doctor of rare diseases as well as theology and philosophy.
- Professor Van Helsing: And gynaecology.
- Dr. Seward: Oh, I didn't know you had your hand in that, too.”
Harvey Korman - Dr. Seward
Mel Brooks - Abraham Van Helsing

“My doctor totally messes up my nose job. I ask him to make me looked like Gwyneth Paltrow, I get off the surgery table looking life freakin' Shrek.”
Shawn Wayans - Kevin Copeland