“- Ellie: Manny, you can't choose between your kids.
- Manny: He's not my kid. He's not even my dog. If I had a dog, and that dog had a kid, and the dog's kid had a pet, that would be Sid.”

Queen Latifah - Ellie
Ray Romano - Manny

“The trouble with kids is they always figure they're smarter than their parents.”
William Demarest - Constable Edmund Kockenlocker

“- Michael Cromwell: You sound like an idiot.
- Richard Kempster: I'm a parent! Therefore, I'm an idiot! I have spent every day for the last 12 years worrying about my kids. About their safety, about their happiness, about their crooked teeth.”

Tim Allen - Michael Cromwell
Martin Hayter Short - Richard Kempster

“This whole thing is about parenting. It's about taking care of your children. You take care of yours, I take care of mine.”
Bruce Willis - Sonny Truelove

“- Brad: Nick, your job and everything aside, I hope you understand that second hand smoke's a real killer.
- Nick Naylor: What are you talking about?
- Brad: I just hope you're providing a smoke-free environment for Joey is all I'm saying.”

Daniel Travis - Brad
Aaron Eckhart - Nick Naylor