“Cops won't find your boy. A cop couldn't find his butt if it had a bell on it.”
Randall 'Tex' Cobb - Leonard Smalls

“- Lt. Bender: Give the bag to Bozo, drop the gun and put your hands in the air!
- Earl Mott: Who said that?
- Lt. Walters: This could very well be the stupidest person on the face of the earth. Perhaps we should shoot him.
- Lt. Bender: It's the police department!”
Art Evans - Lt. Bender
Bill Pullman - Earl
Clarence Felder - Lt. Walters

“I know we're Valley detectives so we're not all that bright, but how stupid does he think we are?”

Keith Carradine - Detective Creighton

“- Earl Mott: Did you just shoot at me?
- Ken Kessler: No, you moron! There's police all over the place! Hundreds of them!
- Earl Mott: Do I look that stupid?
- Ken Kessler: Yes, you do!”
Bill Pullman - Earl
Judge Reinhold - Ken Kessler

“And remember, this is all due to the g-g-g-g-g-g-gullibility of the New York Police Department!”

Jeremy Irons - Simon Gruber