“What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you’re dead!”
Bob Odenkirk - Jimmy McGill

“So the doctor says, 'Listen, John, I've got some bad news and worse.' And John says, 'Oh, no. What's the bad news?' And he goes, 'Well, you've only got 24 hours to live.' John says, 'That's, that's awful. What could be worse than that?' Doctor says, 'Well, I've been trying to get ahold of you since yesterday.'”
Jamie Dornan - Pa

Don't anyone say "April Fool's" again or I'll rip them apart!
Amy Steel - Kit

“- Chaz: Why don't you tell us something about yourself?
- Nikki: All right, something about myself... I wanna work with handicapped children, and my parents are my best friends. And I start convent school next semester... and I fuck on the first date. April Fool's!”
Clayton Rohner - Chaz
Deborah Goodrich - Nikki

- Sandy Bates: I gotta give my one classical-music joke which I put in every single picture and I invariably cut it out.
- Daisy: Yeah?
- Sandy Bates: Um, uh... "I don't know much about classic music. For years I thought the Goldberg Variations were something Mr. and Mrs. Goldberg tried on their wedding night".
Woody Allen - Sandy Bates
Jessica Harper - Daisy