“He has this disease where his head is shaved except he doesn't have to shave it because he can't grow any hair in the first place. Don't talk about it around him though. It might offend him.”
Owen Wilson - Francis

“Brendan-Why are your eyes so red?
Francis-Why is your head so bald?”
Owen Wilson - Francis
Wallace Wolodarsky - Brendan

“- Vera Cicero: I sing, tell a few jokes.
- Dixie Dwyer: Tell me a joke.
- Vera Cicero: Hello, sucker.”
Diane Lane - Vera Cicero
Richard Tiffany Gere - Dixie Dwyer

“Lynda, if this is a joke, I'll kill you!”
Jamie Lee Curtis - Laurie Strode

“- Dr. David Kibner: Face it, Bellicec, you got some friends who enjoy playing practical jokes.
- Jack Bellicec: I don't have any friends, Dr. Kibner.
- Dr. David Kibner: Then, some enemies.”
Leonard Nimoy - Dr. David Kibner
Jeff Goldblum - Jack Bellicec