“- Walker: Why do you wanna be a doctor anyhow?
- Chris Hammond: So I can help people.
- Walker: How? By keeping them alive today so you can prolong their misery until tomorrow?”
John Turturro - Walker
Rob McElhenney - Chris Hammond

“- Bugs Bunny: Is there anything we can get for you, old chap?
- Daffy Duck: Yes. Get me a proctologist, right away.”

Mel Blanc - Bugs Bunny
Mel Blanc - Daffy Duck

“- Interviewer: Tell me. Joe or Joseph, why do you want to be a doctor?
- Joe Slovak: That's easy. I want to help people.
- Interviewer: Come one Joe, you can be honest with me. Why do you want to be a doctor?
- Joe Slovak: Well, uh, I want to make lots of money.”
Matthew Modine - Joe Slovak

“- Dr. Bronson: I'm afraid I have some bad news. Your boy is very sick. He's lost a massive amount of blood, and his pulse and retinal response are poor, and as you can see there's an axe sticking out of his head.
- Big Chuck: He's not sick, you idiot, he's dead!
- Dr. Bronson: Oh, everybody's a doctor. You think maybe I could make the diagnosis?”
Austin Pendleton - Dr. Bronson
Paul Dooley - Big Chuck

“I'm dying. I know this because my physician has stopped talking about my health and begun discussing the weather.”
Albert Finney - Uncle Henry