“- Mathew J. Clark: I've often thought I might like to devote myself to the theater. Would you think there might be a place for me?
- Oliver Webb: Oh yes, yes. Probably fill a long-felt want.”
Etienne Girardot - Mathew J. Clark
Walter Connolly - Oliver Webb

“- Viola De Lesseps: I would not have thought it: there is something better than a play!
- Will Shakespeare: There is.
- Viola De Lesseps: Even your play.
- Will Shakespeare: Hmm?
- Viola De Lesseps: And that was only my first try.”

Gwyneth Paltrow - Viola De Lesseps
Joseph Fiennes - Will Shakespeare

“- Sonny Burns: I would like to... go to... bed with you.
- Gale Ann Thayer: To... take a nap?
- Sonny Burns: To have sexual intercourse.”
Jeremy Davies - Sonny Burns
Rose McGowan - Gale Ann Thayer

“- Topper Harley: I'm no good at being noble, but... do you have any idea what would happen if you stay here with me?
- Ramada Rodham Hayman: Of course I do. Sex. Wild, free, passionate, unbridled sex. I would fondle you in ways you can't imagine. I would pleasure you at any time, in any place, in any way, for as long as you could possibly desire.”
Charlie Sheen - Topper Harley
Valeria Golino - Ramada Rodham Hayman

“- Dex: Do you want to have sex with this woman?
- Dave: Definitely.
- Dex: Then you're violating the first rule of being Steve. You must learn to eliminate your desire.”
Donal Logue - Dex
James 'Kimo' Wills - Dave