“- Pacha: Someday, you're gonna wind up all alone, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
- Kuzko: Thanks for that. I'll log that away.”
John Goodman - Patcha
David Spade - Kuzco

“- Jimmy: This is what you have to understand, Doug. Some people are just loners. It's that simple, man.
- Doug Harris: Maybe I don't want to be. Maybe I just want someone to grab a beer with, to go on a cool guy trip with.”
Kevin Hart - Jimmy Callahan
Josh Gad - Doug Harris

“- Maureen: Hey. That is it, actually. Since you asked, that's what I get from him. Something personal. Besides getting it done where it counts, which he does. Cheston and I reach each other. He's tender and sweet and smart and funny and a million things that you aren't.
- Ben Kalmen: I was once, honey. It doesn't last.”

Olivia Thirlby - Maureen
Michael Douglas - Ben Kalmen

“In this world, a man, himself, is nothing. And there ain't no world but this one.”
Sean Penn - 1st Sgt. Welsh

“- Mrs. Lefkowitz: My son - 55 - still single.
- Lewis Feldman: Gay?
- Mrs. Lefkowitz: I wish - immature.”
Francine Beers - Mrs. Lefkowitz
Jerry Adler - Lewis Feldman