Bob Balaban movie quotes

“- James A. Wells, Assistant U.S. Attorney General: What'd you figure you'd do after government service, Elliott?
- Elliott Rosen: I'm not quitting.
- James A. Wells, Assistant U.S. Attorney General: You ain't no Presidential appointee, Elliott. One that hired you is me. You got thirty days.”
Wilford Brimley - Wells
Bob Balaban - Rosen

“You’re a fucking moron.”
Bob Balaban - Bernie Nayman

“This book will change how people write.”
Bob Balaban - William Shawn

“- Morris Weissman: How do you manage to put up with these people?
- Ivor Novello: Well, you forget, I make my living impersonating them.”
Bob Balaban - Morris Weissman
Jeremy Northam - Ivor Novello

“- Therapist: Why do you come to see me every week?
- Kate: My boss said she'd fire me if I didn't get therapy.
- Therapist: Why do you think, she thinks you need therapy? Why?
- Kate: You know what, I haven't the faintest idea.”
Bob Balaban - Therapist
Catherine Zeta-Jones - Kate

“I'd love to do a big commercial movie that made a lot of money and whose plot was interesting too.”
Bob Balaban

“If anyone would have been paying serious attention to my puppet shows, I would have been sent to therapy very young.”
Bob Balaban

“Gino, you and I know you're a whore. Just a poor old whore who bellies up for any crook with two bucks. A whore and a thief. As far as I'm concerned you only have two options. You cooperate with us, you make the calls, or you go to jail with the other thieves. I don't even want to think about the third option.”
Bob Balaban - Santimassino

“She was overly protective. I just like to think she cared about me. I was a member of the chess team and whenever we would have chess tournaments I had to wear a protective helmet. Maybe she thought that we might have fallen maybe and impaled our heads on a pointy bishop or something.”

Bob Balaban - Jonathan Steinbloom

“HAL was told to lie, by people who find it easy to lie. HAL doesn't know how.”
Bob Balaban - Dr. R. Chandra

“- Winton Chalmers: Life's a bitch.
- Del Blaine: He didn't drown, if that makes life any less bitchy.”
Bob Balaban - Winton Chalmers
Jennifer Love Hewitt - Del Blaine

“- HAL 9000: I understand now, Dr. Chandra. Thank you for telling me the truth.
- Dr. R. Chandra: You deserve it.”

Douglas Rain - HAL 9000
Bob Balaban - Dr. R. Chandra

“Whether we are based on carbon or silicon makes no fundamental difference. We should each be treated with appropriate respect.”
Bob Balaban - Dr. R. Chandra

“- Elvin Clyde: Who did you go as?
- Peter Appleton: A horny young man.”
Bob Balaban - Elvin Clyde
Jim Carrey - Peter Appleton

“She's British, isn't she? She sounds British. Is she, like, affected or is she British?”

Bob Balaban - Morris Weissman

“Do you like sex and travel?”
Bob Balaban - Bernie Nayman

“- Morris Weissman: You're providing a lot of entertainment for nothing.
- Ivor Novello: Morris... I'm used to it.”

Bob Balaban - Morris Weissman
Jeremy Northam - Ivor Novello

“- Harry Block: This guy is too old for her.
- Richard: He's younger than you are.
- Harry Block: Hey, I'm much too old for her, it's ridiculous. But, because of my immaturity I have a boyish quality that works.”
Woody Allen - Harry Block
Bob Balaban - Richard

“It's the recipes that you create yourself that are the best.”

Bob Balaban - Therapist

“- Therapist: Kate, I'm sure you will be able to prevent the worst from happening.
- Kate: And that would be?
- Therapist: That he will tolerate you for any length of time.”

Bob Balaban - Therapist
Catherine Zeta-Jones - Kate

“- Corky St. Clair: Why are you whispering? I'm right here, you know?
- Lloyd Miller: [raising voice considerably] Oh I'm sorry, do you want me to talk louder? Because I think that that it would be...
- Corky St. Clair: Well now it's too loud! You know, just talk like a normal person, ok?”
Christopher Guest - Corky St. Clair
Bob Balaban - Lloyd Miller

“- Ed: Why don't we all agree to stop here.Let this bimbo have his money. I mean isn't our self respect worth more than any inheritance?
- Frank: No.”
Bob Balaban - Ed
Phil Hartman - Frank

“If I were you I'd give AA some thought. Alcoholism is a disease, you know.”

Bob Balaban - Elliott Webley

“If you hang yourself, I'll kill you.”
Bob Balaban - Kowalsky

“- Constance: How horrid. And who turns out to have done it?
- Morris Weissman: Oh, I couldn't tell you that. It would spoil it for you.
- Constance: Oh, but none of us will see it.”

Maggie Smith - Constance Trentham
Bob Balaban - Morris Weissman