Chris Elliott movie quotes

“Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous.”
Chris Elliott - Dom

“- Trina: Are you sure this is what you want?
- Nathanial Mayweather: Yeah! I am sure. I've permanently yanked the silver spoon from my mouth, and I buried it 6,000 miles beneath the Earth's crust. I mean, figuratively speaking, of course. I mean, who could do such a thing? That would be insane.”
Melora Walters - Trina
Chris Elliott - Nathanial Mayweather

“- Frank Detorre: I feel a little fluey.
- Bob: You know what they say; starve a cold, drown the flu. Your body needs fluids now, lots of 'em.
- Frank Detorre: Is beer fluid?”
Bill Murray - Frank Detorre
Chris Elliott - Bob

“- Nathanial: I love sitting up here, looking at those bright, twinkly things in the sky, I forget their technical name.
- Trina: Stars.
- Nathanial: Whatever.”
Chris Elliott - Nathanial Mayweather
Melora Walters - Trina

“- Nathanial Mayweather: Cappy, tell me about all of this. Tell me about the sea. What does it mean to you?
- Captain Greybar: Basically, money. I come from six generations of seamen all with the same goal in life: catch fish, sell 'em, get drunk, and get laid.”
Chris Elliott - Nathanial Mayweather
Ritch Brinkley - Captain Greybar

- Hanson: Ah, it's Cindy. Say "hello" to Cindy, Shorty.
- Shorty: Hello... Cindy.
[Cindy looks at the bottles on the table]
- Cindy: Oh, God. Morphine, chloroform, horse tranquilizers! You drugged him!
- Hanson: I did not! That's all his stuff!
Chris Elliott - Hanson
Marlon Wayans - Shorty
Anna Faris - Cindy

“- Nathanial Mayweather: Paps, you've been like the drunken, abusive grandfather I never had.
- Paps: Ah, stop that. You'll have my glass eye foggin' over.”
Chris Elliott - Nathanial Mayweather
James Gammon - Paps

“- Trina: What happened to you?
- Nathanial Mayweather: Well, let's just say I've finally shed my feminine side, like a snake sheds its fur.”
Melora Walters - Trina
Chris Elliott - Nathanial Mayweather

“I just don't get it! She seems totally uninterested in me, despite my smothering obsessiveness!”
Chris Elliott - Nathanial Mayweather

“- Hanson: All right, who's ready for a wing?
- Dwight: Yours or the turkey's?”

Chris Elliott - Hanson
David Cross - Dwight

- Dwight: Okay, thanks, "Handyman".
- Hanson: I'm actually the caretaker. Oh, aren't those cool new skates? Now you be careful with those, you don't want to fall and break something.
- Dwight: Oh, that's funny, that's real funny. Um, let me give you a "hand".
[starts clapping]

David Cross - Dwight
Chris Elliott - Hanson

- Mulligan: Do you know what I do to guys who quote unquote "sleep" with my wife?
- Nathanial Mayweather: Talk about your discomfort over a cup of hot cocoa?
- Mulligan: Clooooooooose. I cut off their heads with a nail clipper.
Mike Starr - Mulligan
Chris Elliott - Nathanial Mayweather

“The most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load; now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually... you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.”
Chris Elliott - Dom