David Cross movie quotes

- Dwight: Let's split up.
- Brenda: Uh uh! Now wait a minute, hold up! How come when anytime this scary shit happens, and we should stick together, you white people always say "let's split up"?
David Cross - Dwight
Regina Hall - Brenda

“If people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.”
David Cross

“I think people, for the most part, actually want what they think is best.”
David Cross

“Killed him with a hairdryer... Way to use the resources you had handy!”
David Cross - Andy

“- Tigress: One would think that Master Oogway would choose someone who actually knew kung fu.
- Crane: Yeah, or could at least touch his toes.
- Monkey: Or even see his toes.”

Angelina Jolie - Tigress
David Cross - Crane
Jackie Chan - Monkey

“Man, I know they talking about beer, but I can think of another pair I'd like to grab. My balls.”
David Cross - Ronnie Dobbs

“- Newton's Mother: Newton! What are you doing up there?
- Newton: I'm up in my room with some friends, Mom!
- Hailey: I want to have your baby.”

David Cross - Newton
Colombe Jacobsen-Derstine - Hailey

“- Hanson: All right, who's ready for a wing?
- Dwight: Yours or the turkey's?”

Chris Elliott - Hanson
David Cross - Dwight

“I'm gonna go out in this world and get everything I can get. I mean, I'm gonna be rich, super rich. I mean, I'm gonna be spending money like a chimp in a beat-off contest.”
David Cross - Ronnie Dobbs

- Dwight: Okay, thanks, "Handyman".
- Hanson: I'm actually the caretaker. Oh, aren't those cool new skates? Now you be careful with those, you don't want to fall and break something.
- Dwight: Oh, that's funny, that's real funny. Um, let me give you a "hand".
[starts clapping]

David Cross - Dwight
Chris Elliott - Hanson

“- Birthday Woman: Oh, Ronnie Dobbs. You are brilliant. You have to do me a favor.
- Ronnie Dobbs: At your service.
- Birthday Woman: Tell me to fuck off.
- Ronnie Dobbs: Huh?
- Birthday Woman's Friend: Come on, it's her birthday.
- Ronnie Dobbs: Alright. Fuck you, bitch.”
Laura Kightlinger - Birthday Woman
David Cross - Ronnie Dobbs
Jeff Garlin - Birthday Woman's friend

“- Gil Mars: Now these guys are soldiers, right? And what do soldiers need?
- Irwin Wayfair: Hats?”
Denis Colin Leary - Gil Mars
David Cross - Irwin Wayfair

“- Irwin Wayfair: We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.
- Larry Benson: How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard... The mechanicals are standard.”
David Cross - Irwin Wayfair
Jay Mohr - Larry Benson

“- Tammy: Well, how am I gonna get a babysitter?
- Ronnie Dobbs: Ain't you got a T.V.?
- Tammy: Yeah.
- Ronnie Dobbs: Well alright then. See ya tonight.”
Jill Talley - Tammy
David Cross - Ronnie Dobbs

“Guys, before we start the tape, one more thing - what's up with anal probing? I mean, do they really come billions of light years just to...”

David Cross - Newton

“- Ralph, Clean Room Technician: The chips are a little sensitive to EMP.
- Irwin Wayfair: EMP?
- Ralph, Clean Room Technician: Electomagnetic Pulse. As in the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt that the toy industry has become quite that competitive.”
Robert Picardo - Ralph, Clean Room Technician
David Cross - Irwin Wayfair

“- Irwin Wayfair: These microprocessing chips. What do they do and where did you get them from?
- Larry Benson: They microprocess. And they come from the land of l Saved Your Job.
- Irwin Wayfair: They were designed for the Defense Department. You put munitions chips in toys?”

David Cross - Irwin Wayfair
Jay Mohr - Larry Benson

“- Larry Benson: Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.
- Irwin Wayfair: Well the real world sucks.”

Jay Mohr - Larry Benson
David Cross - Irwin Wayfair

“Hey I don't need your help lady. I can do it myself.
[gives himself oral sex]”
David Cross - Dwight

“All of 'em probed me, uh, not all at once, you know, individually. Later on, years later, now, even still, uh, it's a funny thing, it happened on a Sunday and every Sunday about the time I was taken on board that ship I... find I have no feelings in my buttocks.”

David Cross - UFO Expert