Richard R. Grant movie quotes

“This is a device enabling the drunken driver to operate in absolute safety. You fill this with piss, take this pipe down the trouser and sellotape this valve to the end of the old chap. Then you get horribly drunk and they can't fucking touch you. According to these instructions, you refuse everything but a urine sample. You undo your valve and...” (continue)(continue reading)
Richard R. Grant - Withnail

“History, tradition, culture... are not concepts! These are trophies I keep in my den as paperweights! The chaos we will cause with this machine will be our final masterpiece!”
Richard R. Grant - Darwin Mayflower

“- James Fitzmaurice: Could you lend me a carriage?
- Thomas Smithers: My dear James, have you nothing of your own?
- James Fitzmaurice: Taste, my dear Thomas. Taste.”
Richard R. Grant - James Fitzmaurice
Pete Postlethwaite - Thomas Smithers

“- James Fitzmaurice: Don't you remember? Cousins can do things that other people can't. And we were more than children before anyone knew what we were up to.
- Juliana: Even we didn't know.”
Richard R. Grant - James Fitzmaurice
Greta Scacchi - Juliana

“We get in there and get wrecked, then we'll eat a pork pie, then we'll drop a couple of Surmontil-50's each. That means we'll miss out Monday but come up smiling Tuesday morning.”

Richard R. Grant - Withnail

“Look at that, accident black spot! These aren't accidents! They're throwing themselves into the road gladly! Throwing themselves into the road to escape all this hideousness!”

Richard R. Grant - Withnail

“- Marwood: If my father was loaded I'd ask him for some money.
- Withnail: If your father was my father you wouldn't get it.”
Paul McGann - ... & I
Richard R. Grant - Withnail

“- Baby Spice: He just doesn't love us anymore!
- Clifford: Oh yes I do. I love you like a wildebeast loves five lionesses chewing at his legs!”
Emma Bunton - Baby Spice
Richard R. Grant - Clifford

“- Danny: My partner's got a really good idea for making dolls. His name's Presuming Ed. His sister give him the idea. She got a doll on Christmas that pisses itself. Then you gotta change its diapers for it. It's horrible really but they like that, the little girls. So we're gonna make one that shits itself as well.
- Withnail: Shits itself?
-...” (continue)(continue reading)
Ralph Brown - Danny
Richard R. Grant - Withnail

“- Darwin Mayflower: We've got you clothes, a great hotel and a 250,000 lira per diem.
- Minerva Mayflower: That's 200 dollars a day. So he can get a hooker and some tequila? Veto, Darwin!
- Hudson Hawk: I guess we see who wears the penis in this family.”
Richard R. Grant - Darwin Mayflower
Sandra Bernhard - Minerva Mayflower
Bruce Willis - Hudson Hawk

“- Anaïs Nin: Posses her like a man. I want to fuck her like a man. Fuck her, Hugo.
- Hugo: I am fucking her, pussy willow.”

Maria de Medeiros - Anaïs Nin
Richard R. Grant - Hugo

“Now hear this. It is dangerous to leave moisturising cream in the refrigerator, as it could be mistaken for mayonaisse. That is all.”
Richard R. Grant - Clifford

“- Professor Abraham Van Helsing: I want you to bring me, before nightfall, a set of postmortem knives.
- Doctor Jack Seward: An autopsy? On Lucy?
- Professor Abraham Van Helsing: No, no, no. Not exactly. I just want to cut off her head and take out her heart.”

Philip Anthony Hopkins - Abraham Van Helsing
Richard R. Grant - Dr. Jack Seward

“- Anaïs Nin: How would you lie to June if you were making love to her?
- Hugo: Making love to her?
- Anaïs Nin: Yes. To her body. To her voluptuous body. She is so perverse, so naked. Tell her that you love her.
- Hugo: I love you.”
Maria de Medeiros - Anaïs Nin
Richard R. Grant - Hugo

“- Pastor: Can I ask what your interest is in finding such a book?
- Giles Redferne: Our interest lies in stopping those who would see all good falter. It lies in stopping the powers of misrule from coming of age. It lies in finding that damned book, and thwarting a vile beast of a man who shall not rest until God himself is thrown down, and all...” (continue)(continue reading)
David Carpenter - Pastor
Richard R. Grant - Giles Redferne

“The spell book. All witches keep grimoires, yet one is indestructible, one is the bible of black magic - the Grand Grimoire. Always witches have lusted for it, and now, here, I find a page - one lone page!”
Richard R. Grant - Giles Redferne

“Money isn't everything - gold is. Fuck T-bills! Fuck blue chip stocks! Fuck junk bonds! We've got the real deal! Money will always be paper, but gold will always be gold!”
Richard R. Grant - Darwin Mayflower

“There must and shall be aspirin!”

Richard R. Grant - Withnail

“- Danny: The joint I'm about to roll requires a craftsman. It can utilise up to 12 skins. It is called a Camberwell Carrot.
- ... & I: It's impossible to use 12 papers on one joint.
- Danny: It's impossible to make a Camberwell Carrot with anything less.
- Withnail: Who says it's a Camberwell Carrot?
- Danny: I do. I invented it in Camberwell,...” (continue)(continue reading)
Ralph Brown - Danny
Paul McGann - ... & I
Richard R. Grant - Withnail

“I'll torture you so slowly, you'll think it's a career.”

Richard R. Grant - Darwin Mayflower

“- Deborah: You know what happens now, don't you?
- Clifford: What's That?
- Deborah: We sit here more and more self-pitying, telling tragic tales of lost lovers, and deaden the night with bursting passion and ruining our professional relationship.
- Clifford: I'm up for that.”
Claire Rushbrook - Deborah
Richard R. Grant - Clifford

“- Darwin Mayflower: I'll kill your friends, your family, and the bitch you took to the prom!
- Hudson Hawk: Betty Jo Bialowski? I can get you an address on that, if you want.”
Richard R. Grant - Darwin Mayflower
Bruce Willis - Hudson Hawk

“- Sporty Spice: Look, Clifford, we're old enough to take responsibility for our own lives, do you know what I mean?
- Clifford: You don't have a life, you have a schedule! You are part of a well-oiled, global machine! There are people everywhere working their butts off for you! People like Deborah, here.”
Melanie C - Sporty Spice
Richard R. Grant - Clifford

“Your husband is cursing God. Fortunately God can't hear his blasphemies above the noise of the wind.”
Richard R. Grant - James Fitzmaurice

“- ... & I: You never discuss your family do you?
- Withnail: I fail to see my family's of any interest to you. I've absolutely no interest in yours. I dislike relatives in general and in particular mine.”
Paul McGann - ... & I
Richard R. Grant - Withnail