“BASEketball” quotes

“- Robert Stack - Unsolved Mysteries Host: Scenario One: He's hanging by his neck in his fucking closet.
- Jenna Reed: You want to know where Coop is? Just look for the most heinous, vile, and horrible exploitation of children on the planet.
- Robert Stack - Unsolved Mysteries Host: Scenario Two: Coop went to Disney World.”
Robert Stack - Robert Stack - Unsolved Mysteries Host
Yasmine Bleeth - Jenna Reed

“Soon it was commonplace for entire teams to change cities in search of greater profits. The Minneapolis Lakers moved to Los Angeles where there are no lakes. The Oilers moved to Tennessee where there is no oil. The Jazz moved to Salt Lake City where they don't allow music.”
Stephen McHattie - Narrator

“- Baxter Cain: When I see one of baseketball's hottest stars with less than 20 dollars in his pocket, driving an American car and sharing a small house with two other guys, you know what that says to me?
- Doug Remer: Homos?”
Robert Vaughn - Baxter Cain
Trey Parker - Doug Remer

“- Doug Remer: That's a dude.
- Squeak Scolari: No way, you're just saying that because you want her for yourself.
- Doug Remer: No dude, I'm saying that because she's a guy.
- Squeak Scolari: That's impossible. Just look at her. She's got the cutest little upturned nose, the softest lips. The sweetest Adam's apple.”
Trey Parker - Doug Remer
Dian Bachar - Squeak Scolari

“- Doug Remer: We win, and they get the chicks. That sucks, dude.
- Joe Cooper: I'm telling you, it's jobs. We gotta get jobs. Then we get the khakis. Then we get the chicks.”
Matt Stone - Doug Remer
Trey Parker - Joe Cooper

“- Doug Remer: Your bed is over here.
[indicates a dog bed]
- Squeak Scolari: Dude, that is so fuckin' weak! How am I supposed to get a chick in that?
- Joe Cooper: Oh, don't worry, dude. You couldn't get a chick if you had a hundred dollar bill hanging out of your zipper.”
Matt Stone - Doug Remer
Dian Bachar - Squeak Scolari
Trey Parker - Joe Cooper

“- Doug Remer: Hey kid, think fast!
[throws the ball, knocking the kid out cold]
- Doug Remer: He's a little slow on the hands.
- Jenna Reed: He's blind, Doug.”
Trey Parker - Doug Remer
Yasmine Bleeth - Jenna Reed

“Now your kids with your loud music, and your Dan Fogleberg, your Zima, hula hoops and Pac-man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds!”
Ernest Borgnine - Ted Denslow

“I've always dreamed of big game hunting. How about killing an endangered species? Like a Bald Eagle or a Giant Panda!”
Trevor Einhorn - Joey Thomas

- Joe Cooper: Hey pigfucker, can I call you "pigfucker"?
- Doug Remer: No, only my friends can call me "pigfucker".
Trey Parker - Joe Cooper
Matt Stone - Doug Remer

- Jenna Reed: I've been the director of the "Dream Come True" foundations since October.
- Joe Cooper: The ones that grant wishes to sick a dying kids, right?
- Jenna Reed: Oh, well we like to think of them as health challenged and survival impaired.
Yasmine Bleeth - Jenna Reed
Trey Parker

“- Jenna Reed: Excuse me, driver? Can you go any faster?
- Dale Earnhardt: [looks back] Can I go any faster?
[puts on his trademark black Goodwrench race helmet and accelerates the taxi]
- Dale Earnhardt: Hang on!”
Yasmine Bleeth - Jenna Reed
Dale Earnhardt - Himself

“- Doug Remer: Oh, I'll come, I love hospitals.
- Joe Cooper: No you don't, you like Taco Bell!
- Doug Remer: No, one time I was at this hospital, in France, and I met this great chick.
- Joe Cooper: Dude, that was a hostel.”
Trey Parker - Doug Remer
Matt Stone - Joey Thomas

Tony Nocholino, who plays, as you know, Latino cut-up "Scooter" on the new hit comedy series "What's the Difference?" airing between "Recycled Junk" starring Lisa Campbell and "Same Old Crap" featuring teen heartthrob Mark Swenson, all part of the great fall lineup on our network's "Who gives a rat's ass?" Thursdays.
Bob Costas - Bob Costas