“Eddie Murphy: Delirious” quotes

“Your wife's a Bigfoot, isn't she, Gus? Your wife is a Bigfoot, isn't she? That's why the bitch's moustache is so motherfuckin' thick... 'cause you shaved the bitch down and taught her to speak. I know a motherfuckin' Bigfoot when I see one! Don't bring a Bigfoot into my home, Gus!”

Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

“Beautiful, I'm drunk. I'm drunk, so what? I'm drunk. You know what? I got drunk in my motherfuckin' kitchen and I was drinking out of my glass in my motherfuckin' house. So fuck it.”

Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

The first nigger who tried that shit... Somebody said, "Nigger, bale this cotton" and he said "Fuck you, Massa". The other motherfuckers said, "All right, we'll bale the shit, all right. Just keep that fucking shit away from me".

Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

“Does anyone have a mother that would hit you with a shoe? I had a mother that would throw a shoe at you at the drop of a dime. And fuck you up wherever she was aiming. So by the time I was like ten, my mother was like Clint Eastwood with a shoe.”
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

I have nightmares about gay people. I have this nightmare that I go to Hollywood, and find out Mr. T is a faggot. Really. And he'd be walking up to people going: "Hey boy, hey boy! Ya look mighty cute in them jeans. Now come on over here... and fuck me up the ass! C'mon. I'm gonna bend over now. Grrr! Aaahh! ".
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

“There's something about the icecream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they hear that motherfucking icecream truck.”
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

“Icecream man always drove extra blocks away. And I know he's seen us and shit, but I think he just be in the car with his friends and say: Watch me how fast I make these motherfuckers run.”
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

“A brother's dick is too big, so it'll fuck up his balance... Every time you see a brother in a wheelchair, he ain't always crippled.”
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

Brothers act like they couldn't have been slaves back 200 years ago. It's like the motherfuckers liked that shit. "I whish I was a slave, I would fuck somebody up! Shit, tell me to bale some motherfucking cotton! I would been on the street and shit, would've come up and say, 'Ay, yo, nigger, bale this cotton!'. I would say, 'Suck my dick, massa'!".
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?".
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

Bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. And the bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Excuse me, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?". And the rabbit says, "No". So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

In "The Amityville Horror", the ghost told them to get out of the house. White people stayed in there. Now that's a hint and a half for your ass. A ghost say get the fuck out, I would just tip the fuck out the door! Lou Walker looked in the toilet bowl, there was blood in the toilet. And said, "That's peculiar". I would've been in the house... (continue)(continue reading)
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

“It's my house! You know it is. And if you don't like it, you get the fuck out! I don't give a fuck. I don't give cause I paid the motherfuckin' bills in this motherfucker. And hey, kiss my ass if you don't like it! Yes! Yes, motherfucker, yes! Cause you know it is, know it is? Im drunk, so what?”

Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

You told me you met your wife on a motherfuckin' camping trip and that she was Puerto Rican. Your wife ain't no motherfuckin' Puerto Rican. I thought she was when I first met, because I walk up and say "Hello, good to meet you, my name is Vernon" and she says "Hi, I'm Bunny, goonie goo goo". What the fuck does "goonie goo goo" mean, Gus? I still... (continue)(continue reading)
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

“- Male Crowd Member: Reaganomics sucks!
- Eddie Murphy: What sucks?
- Male Crowd Member: Reaganomics sucks!
- Eddie Murphy: Reaganomics sucks? Well tell us something we don't know, motherfucker!”
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy

Mick Jagger's lips' so big black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!".
Eddie Murphy - Eddie Murphy