“Heaven Help Us” quotes

“- Brother Timothy: Most people can't figure it out. My brother was the one who was supposed to have the vocation. Me, they had me written off as the bum. But here I am, wearing a robe, bouncing a ball off the steps of the rectory.
- Michael Dunn: Was your brother a bum?
- Brother Timothy: Sort of. Sells life insurance down in Maryland.”
John Heard - Brother Timothy
Andrew McCarthy - Michael Dunn

“- Michael Dunn: Can't decide?
- Caesar: Oh, I've decided all right, Dunn. I've decided I'd rather die than eat this crap!”

Andrew McCarthy - Michael Dunn
Malcolm Danare - Caesar

“Gentlemen, we will dispense with the traditional accusation denial ritual. It is such a bore, and not likely to convince me that I don't have before me right now at least one, if not all of the vandals. But since I'm a just man with no taste for punishing the innocent, I will afford the guilty the opportunity to speak now and to save the...” (continue)(continue reading)

Jay Patterson - Brother Constance

“- Brother Thadeus: We all come to the order, full of ideas... and we often find that we have much to learn ourselves. Nevertheless, authority must never be undermined by the display of dissent among the faculty. For the students' sake, you understand.
- Brother Timothy: No, I don't understand.
- Brother Thadeus: Then you should try to restrain...” (continue)(continue reading)
Donald Sutherland - Brother Thadeus
John Heard - Brother Timothy

“I've been kicked off the track team, and without track my grades will be based on... my grades.”
Kevin Dillon - Rooney

I went to beautician's school where everybody graduated except me, but I got a job as a shampoo boy at Marisa's House of Hair in Bensonhurst. The hours suck; the pay sucks; I'm surrounded by "funny guys", but the tips are great. Thank you, God!
Kevin Dillon - Rooney

“- Rooney: Jesus! You got here you jerked off 168 times? And it's been one month since your last confession? That's an average of...
- Williams: 5.6 times a day.
- Rooney: Oh, my God, you can't tell him that. He'll cut your balls off.”

Kevin Dillon - Rooney
Stephen Geoffreys - Williams

“Jesus, what'd they do to Elvis? Cut his balls off, or something?”

Kevin Dillon - Rooney

“In 1966, everyone graduated from St. Basil's, except me.”
Kevin Dillon - Rooney

- Brother Timothy: What's your excuse?
- Michael Dunn: I don't know. Waiting for inspiration.
- Brother Timothy: Inspiration? Who from? The Holy Ghost? Come on, it's a cinch. You walk up to some girl, you look her in the eye, you say "excuse me, but do you want to dance?". It works every time.

John Heard - Brother Timothy
Andrew McCarthy - Michael Dunn

“- Michael Dunn: If Gram sees you smoking she'll have a heart attack.
- Boo: If she's hears you talking about not being a priest she'll have a stroke.”
Andrew McCarthy - Michael Dunn
Jennifer Dundas - Boo

“If I don't make you my friend it means I gotta kick your ass everytime I see you. Nobody wants that, do they?”

Kevin Dillon - Rooney