“Horse Feathers” quotes

“- Frank Wagstaff: Dad, let me congratulate you. I'm proud to be your son.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: My boy, you took the words right out of my mouth. I'm ashamed to be your father. You're a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff, if such a thing is possible.”
Zeppo Marx - Frank Wagstaff
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Tomorrow we start tearing down the college.
- Professor in Wagstaff's Study: But, Professor, where will the students sleep?
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Where they always sleep: in the classroom.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff
E.H. Calvert - Professor in Wagstaff's Study

“- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: How much do we owe you?
- Baravelli: Two thousand dollars.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff
Chico Marx - Baravelli

“- Retiring Collage President: Professor Wagstaff, now that you have stepped into my shoes...
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Oh, is that what I stepped in? I wondered what it was. If these are your shoes, the least you can do is have them cleaned.”
Reginald Barlow - Retiring Collage President
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Frank Wagstaff: You're talking to the wrong team.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: I know I am, but our team wouldn't listen to me!”

Zeppo Marx - Frank Wagstaff
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Referee: What are you doing with that cigar in your mouth?
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Why? Do you know another way to smoke it?”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“Do you realize what happens if we lose? It means shame! Disgrace! Humiliation! And besides, you're crazy if you don't play the ace!”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“As you grow older, you'll find you can't burn the candle at both ends.
[Pinky pulls out a candle burning at both ends]
Well, I was wrong. I knew there was something you couldn't burn at both ends. I thought it was a candle. However, you must be punished. Just for that.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Baravelli, is this your picture?
- Baravelli: I don't think so. It no look like me.”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff
Chico Marx - Baravelli

“Listen you bunch of butterfingered milk saps! The way you're playing you couldn't beat a girl's basketball team. We've gotta win this game! You understand?”

Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Frank Wagstaff: Dad wants me to give you up. You know, you're interfering with my studies.
- Connie Bailey: He must think I'm terrible.
- Frank Wagstaff: But I think you're wonderful. You're beautiful.”
Zeppo Marx - Frank Wagstaff
Thelma Todd - Connie Bailey

“- Biology Professor Giving Lecture: The liver if neglected, invariably leads to cirrhosis. Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis.
- Baravelli: Sure. Cirrhosis are red; so violets are blue; so sugar is sweet; so, so are you.”
Robert Greig - Biology Professor Giving Lecture
Chico Marx - Baravelli

“- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?
- Baravelli: You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call them up on the telephone, then I send them my chauffeur.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff
Chico Marx - Baravelli

“- Professor: The trustees have a few suggestions they would like to submit to you.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: I think you know what the trustees can do with their suggestions.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“- Frank Wagstaff: There's nothing wrong between me and the college widow.
- Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff: There isn't, huh? Then you're crazy to fool around with her!”
Zeppo Marx - Frank Wagstaff
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff

“I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.”
Groucho Marx - Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff