“Man of the Year” quotes

“TV puts everybody in those boxes, side-by-side. On one side, there's this certifiable lunatic who says the Holocaust never happened. And next to him is this noted, honored historian who knows all about the Holocaust. And now, there they sit, side-by-side, they look like equals! Everything they say seems to be credible. And so, as it goes on,...” (continue)(continue reading)
Robin Williams - Eddie Langston

“Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“Italy just elected a porn star to their senate. Which is wonderful, because that means no sex scandals - just great posters and incredible downloads.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“- Eddie Langston: TV scares me. It makes everything seem credible.
- Hemmings: Why is that so bad?
- Eddie Langston: If everything seems credible then nothing seems credible.”
Lewis Niles Black - Eddie Langston
Rick Roberts - Hemmings

“I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

Remember those two Jewish commandos who were sent to kill Hitler at 12:30? They waited in an alley with guns, bombs and knives... only Hitler didn't show up. After half an hour came and went, still no Hitler. Finally, one Jew turns to the other and says, "My God, I hope nothing happened to him".
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“HMOs will pay for your Viagra, but they won't pay for your glasses. So you can have a hard-on, but you can't see where to put it.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“When you're in love with a beautiful woman, she can tell you that Gandhi ate hot dogs and you'll believe her.”
Christopher Walken - Jack Menken

“You wanna fuck with our democracy, undermine our way of life? Every American believes their vote counts. You wanna tell them that's not true?”
Jeff Goldblum - Alan Stewart

“- Alison McAndrews: Both of the candidates you're running against are happily married, with kids. You're divorced and have no children. So how are you gonna come off as family-friendly?
- Tom Dobbs: Well, I could hold my mother's ashes.”
Karen Hines - Alison McAndrews
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“Politicians today look like they're borrowed from the wax museum: they're already in their suits, waiting to be buried. You don't wanna be like them; you wanna be different.”
Christopher Walken - Jack Menken

“Here's the story: the people are voting, there's an election, and the democratic process is working. The only sour note? The people won't end up with the candidate that they voted for to be President. We can still celebrate the process. The democracy which we hold so dear will have worked. Everybody's gonna be satisfied...”
Jeff Goldblum - Alan Stewart

“Freedom of religion means practicing any religion you want, anytime and anywhere you want. Like being a Jewish Buddhist: all you do is sit and wait for stuff to go on sale.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“Perception of legitimacy is more important than legitimacy itself. That's the greater truth.”
Jeff Goldblum - Alan Stewart

“If you tell a bad joke, you can put a laugh track over it - but the joke's still not funny.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“Today I was in the oval office for a preparatory meeting and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check. I sat there and I went: 'Wait a minute, I'm a Jester. A Jester doesn't rule the kingdom; he makes fun of the king'.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“If it was really unpatriotic to question one's government, we'd still be British.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“What do I think of gay marriage? I believe gays have every right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“The President wants to pass an amendment banning same-sex marriage. Anybody who's been married knows it's always the same sex!”
Christopher Walken - Jack Menken

Soon, all of your appliances will speak to each other. You'll get on the scale and it'll go, "I've talked to the microwave; forget it, pal".
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“Why would security guards pad down an 85-year-old lady with a walker? If she's a terrorist... well, then the ball game's over, folks.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

If you have GPS, be very careful. I bought a Mercedes recently with talking GPS. I opened the door and my car went, "Are you Jewish?".
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“Why vote for Congressmen or Senators? Why don't we just pick those guys the same way we pick a jury? At least we'll get a much more interesting cross-section.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“The government said recently that we're cutting back spending, yet NASA blew $28 million to develop a fountain pen that writes upside down in zero gravity. The Russians solved the same problem with a 5-cent pencil... and after two cases of vodka, it's still writing.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

They talk about the desecration of the American flag and yet, online, you can buy flag underwear. I just saw my grandmother wearing a flag thong, and I was like, "Granny, I don't wanna know where old glory is!".
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs