“National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation” quotes

“He's got a little bit a Mississippi leg hound in him. If the mood catches him right, he'll grab your leg and just go to town. You don't want him around if you're wearing short pants, if you know what I mean. Word of warning though, if he does lay into ya, it's best to just let 'im finish.”

Randy Quaid - Cousin Eddie

“The army cuts my disability pension because they said that the plate in my head wasn't big enough.”
Randy Quaid - Cousin Eddie

“- Audrey Griswold: Uh, don't take this personally, Vicki; but being a farmer isn't too cool you know.
- Cousin Vicki: Oh, yeah? Well, how cool is this?
[reaches under her bed and pulls out a shoebox full of marijuana]”
Dana Barron - Audrey Griswold
Jane Krakowski - Cousin Vicki

“They had to replace my metal plate with a plastic one. Every time Catherine would rev up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour.”

Randy Quaid - Cousin Eddie

“- Clark Griswold: Have you even driven cross-country?
- Roy Walley: Oh, hell yes. Drove the whole family to Florida. Worst two weeks I ever spent in my life.”
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold
Eddie Bracken - Roy Walley

“- Rusty Griswold: Mom, my sandwich is all wet.
- Ellen Griswold: They're all wet... oh God! The dog wet on the picnic basket.”
Anthony Michael Hall - Rusty Griswold
Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold

“- Clark Griswold: I'm just trying to treat my family to a little fun.
- Ellen Griswold: Oh spare me, Clark! I know your brand of family fun. Tomorrow you'll probably kill the desk clerk, hold up a McDonalds, and drive us 1,000 miles out of the way to see the world's largest pile of mud!”
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold
Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold

“We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we're gonna need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles!”

Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold

“- Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: Has your father ever killed anyone?
- Rusty Griswold: Just a dog. Oh and my Aunt Edna.”
John Candy - Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld
Anthony Michael Hall - Rusty Griswold

“- Cousin Vicki: I'm going steady, and I French kiss.
- Audrey Griswold: So? Everybody does that.
- Cousin Vicki: Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best at it.”
Jane Krakowski - Cousin Vicki
Dana Barron - Audrey Griswold

“I don't know why they call this stuff hamburger helper. It does just fine by itself, huh?”
Randy Quaid - Cousin Eddie

“When I was a boy, just about every summer we'd take a vacation. And you know, in 18 years, we never had fun.”
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold

“- Clark Griswold: She wrapped up her damn cat!
- Ellen Griswold: Well, take it to the kitchen and open it up.
- Clark Griswold: Then we'll have a cat running around the house.”

Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold
Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold

“- Ellen Griswold: A loud noise like that could damage the kids' hearing.
- Clark Griswold: C'mon, Ellen. It looked real. Hell, I thought it was a real gun. Didn't you think it was real, honey?
- Audrey Griswold: What?
- Clark Griswold: I said: didn't you think it was real?
- Audrey Griswold: What?
- Ellen Griswold: Oh are you happy now, Clark?...” (continue)(continue reading)

Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold
Dana Barron - Audrey Griswold

“Everything isn't like home. If everything were like home, there would be no reason for leaving home. Right, Rusty?”
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold

“- Clark Griswold: We could leave her here and the first phone we pass, we could call your Cousin Normie and he could come and get her, I guess.
- Ellen Griswold: That is the meanest, coldest...
- Clark Griswold: Well what do you want me to do? Call Federal Express?”

Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold
Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold

“- Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: That's not a real gun, is it Clark?
- Clark: Are you kidding? This is a Magnum P.I..
- Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld: It's a BB gun!”
John Candy - Lasky, Guard at Walleyworld
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold

- Rusty Griswold: Hey, ya' got "Pac Man"?
- Cousin Dale: No.
- Rusty Griswold: Ya' got "Space Invaders"?
- Cousin Dale: Nope.
- Rusty Griswold: Ya' got "Asteroids"?
- Cousin Dale: Naw, but my dad does. Can't even sit on the toilet some days.
Anthony Michael Hall - Rusty Griswold
John P. Navin Jr. - Cousin Dale

“- Ellen Griswold: I honestly don't think you're going to find the Grand Canyon on this road.
- Clark Griswold: Jesus, it's only the biggest damn hole in the world.
- Aunt Edna: Clark, watch your language!
- Clark Griswold: Make that the second biggest.”
Beverly D'Angelo - Ellen Griswold
Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold
Imogene Coca - Aunt Edna

“We pass a damn gas station every hundred yards for a thousand miles, but when you really need one, you end up walking your ass off. This is no way to run a desert!”

Chevy Chase - Clark Griswold