“So I Married an Axe Murderer” quotes

- Stuart Mackenzie: We both said "I do", and we haven't agreed on a single thing since.
- May Mackenzie: That's true!
- Stuart Mackenzie: But I'm glad I married you, May, because hey, could've been worse.
Mike Myers - Stuart Mackenzie
Brenda Fricker - May Mackenzie

“- Tony Giardino: What are you doing? Wake up!
- Pilot: Oh man! I was having an amazing dream!
- Tony Giardino: I don't care about your dream! Land the plane!
- Pilot: I was just born, and... I was eight-and-a-half months premature. The doctors were freakin' out.”

Anthony LaPaglia - Tony Giardino
Steven Alexander Wright - Pilot

“- Charlie Mackenzie: You look like Huggy Bear from 'Starsky and Hutch'.
- Tony Giardino: What do ya mean? I look hip!
- Charlie Mackenzie: No, you look like an undercover cop trying to look hip.
- Tony Giardino: I am an undercover cop trying to look hip.”
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie
Anthony LaPaglia - Tony Giardino

- Stuart Mackenzie: Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Oh!"
- Charlie Mackenzie: Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?
- Stuart Mackenzie: Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!
Mike Myers - Stuart Mackenzie
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie

“- Harriet Michaels: What do you look for in a woman you date?
- Charlie Mackenzie: Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I'd really have to go with breast size.”
Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie

“- Harriet Michaels: Do you actually like haggis?
- Charlie Mackenzie: No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.”
Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie

“- Charlie Mackenzie: How many people have you brutally murdered?
- Harriet Michaels: Well, brutal's a very subjective word. I mean, what's brutal to one person might be totally reasonable to somebody else.”
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie
Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels

“- Charlie Mackenzie: I just don't think it's a good idea to rush into spending the night together.
- Harriet Michaels: I wanna spend the night together.
- Charlie Mackenzie: I have no problem with that!”
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie
Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels

- Harriet Michaels: Charlie, have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff or a subway platform with someone and you thought just for a split second "what if I pushed him?".
- Charlie Mackenzie: Well, not really. Usually I follow the Judeo-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill" but that's just me.
Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie

“- Tony's Boss: Well, here's the news! It seems that the old lady that confessed to the murder of Ralph Elliot has also confessed to a couple of other murders.
- Tony Giardino: I knew she would! I knew it!
- Tony's Boss: Yeah! Right! Well, she's confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Warren G. Harding and Julius Caesar. She's a nutcase! A...” (continue)(continue reading)
Alan Arkin - Tony's Boss
Anthony LaPaglia - Tony Giardino

“- Charlie Mackenzie: Marry me.
- Harriet Michaels: No.
- Charlie Mackenzie: Please?”
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie
Nancy Travis - Harriet Michaels

You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called "Fuck You". It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie

- Charlie Mackenzie: Hey Mom, I find it interesting that you refer to the Weekly World News as, "The paper." The paper contains facts.
- May Mackenzie: This paper contains facts. And this paper has the eighth highest circulation in the whole wide world. Right? Plenty of facts. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact.
Mike Myers - Charlie Mackenzie
Brenda Fricker - May Mackenzie