“The Cheap Detective” quotes

“- Mrs. Montenegro: Mr. Peckinpaugh, I think I have some information regarding the untimely death of your late, deceased, murdered partner.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: Who is this?
- Mrs. Montenegro: As the Chinese say, never mind. We must be careful; I'm being watched. Can we meet in your office in fifteen minutes?
- Lou Peckinpaugh: All right. What time...” (continue)(continue reading)
Madeline Kahn - Mrs. Montenegro
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“- Marcel: I'm sorry, I thought you were alone.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: I tried it that way. It's not as much fun alone.”

James Coco - Marcel
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“- Jezebel Dezire: Won't you join me in a little drinkie? What's your pleasure?
- Lou Peckinpaugh: Uh, what you got there looks good.
- Jezebel Dezire: I know... but I thought you'd like a little drink first.”
Ann-Margret - Jezebel Dezire
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“- Betty DeBoop: You'll be back.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: What makes you think so?
- Betty DeBoop: You forgot the glasses.”
Eileen Brennan - Betty DeBoop
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“It is a thousand candles that will burn for every brave soldier that marches to the steps of the drums of liberty, so that tyranny will never trample the spirit of freedom in the hearts of men, throughout a world thrown into darkness and despair.”
Louise Fletcher - Marlene DuChard

“- Marcel: Gentlemen, may I present Miss Betty DeBoop from the Islands?
- Colonel Schlissel: Caribbean or Virgin?
- Betty DeBoop: Well, let's just say I came back a Caribbean.”
James Coco - Marcel
Nicol Williamson - Colonel Schlissel
Eileen Brennan - Betty DeBoop

“- Jasper Blubber: We should leave separately. Makes more sense if I go first.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: Why is that?
- Jasper Blubber: Then I don't get stuck with the check.”
John Houseman - Jasper Blubber
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“- Lou Peckinpaugh: Suddenly it all seems as though it was yesterday. I stood in that train station, I waited for you for over six hours. Then when your letter came, it started to rain. And I opened it, and the ink ran all over the page. The most important letter of my life... I still don't know what the hell it said!
- Marlene DuChard: It said: ...” (continue)(continue reading)
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh
Louise Fletcher - Marlene DuChard

“- Paul DuChard: Anything wrong?
- Lou Peckinpaugh: Oh, no, no. No, it's, uh, my mistake here, uh. For a second here I thought that this young lady was a girl that I knew in France; I was wrong; the girl I know is dead.
- Paul DuChard: Oh, a natural error, monsieur. My wife has been mistaken for dead girls by many men.”

Fernando Lamas - Paul DuChard
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“- Bess: You have a visitor in there, a Miss Sophie De Vega.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: Pretty?
- Bess: Prettier than me, but I'm easier.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: I'm saving you for the rainy season.”
Stockard Channing - Bess
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“I'm using rented bullets for my gun. We all got problems.”
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“- Lou Peckinpaugh: No tip. There's been a death in the family.
- Cabbie: I wish it was you!”
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh
Jonathan Banks - Cabbie

“- Lou Peckinpaugh: What you you doing here?
- Betty DeBoop: I missed my boat.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: It doesn't sail until tomorrow!
- Betty DeBoop: So I missed it a little early.”
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh
Eileen Brennan - Betty DeBoop

“- Lou Peckinpaugh: You mean you married your own father?
- Mrs. Montenegro: It's not like you think. It was a simple wedding, done very tastefully.”
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh
Madeline Kahn - Mrs. Montenegro

“It is always the most courageous of men who wins the most beautiful women, but it is only the ruthless who get to keep them.”
Nicol Williamson - Colonel Schlissel

“Being a private eye may not be much, but we do have a code of honor. It's all right to fool around with your partner's wife, but once he's dead it makes it all so dirty.”
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“- Marlene DuChard: Paul... are you sure we ought to be here?
- Paul DuChard: There is nothing to worry about, my dear - we're in England now!
- Marlene DuChard: No, Paul. This is America.
- Paul DuChard: Oh yes, America.”
Louise Fletcher - Marlene DuChard
Fernando Lamas - Paul DuChard

“- Jasper Blubber: The murderer is a Rumanian sailor by the name of Vladimir Tserijemiwtz.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: Can you say that again?
- Jasper Blubber: Not without spitting.”
John Houseman - Jasper Blubber
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“- Lou Peckinpaugh: Don't call me for three days, and when you do, use your real name. By the way, what is it?
- Mrs. Montenegro: Mary Jones. I swear it, Lou.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: Well, change it. It sounds phony.”
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh
Madeline Kahn - Mrs. Montenegro

“- Jasper Blubber: What is the charge, may I ask?
- Lt. DiMaggio: The murder of Floyd Merkle and five unimportant people.”
John Houseman - Jasper Blubber
Vic Tayback - Lt. DiMaggio

“- Lou Peckinpaugh: Tell me nothing happened. Even if you lie, I'll believe you.
- Betty DeBoop: Nothing happened.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: It sounds worse than before.”
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh
Eileen Brennan - Betty DeBoop

“- Lou Peckinpaugh: You can pay, of course.
- Paul DuChard: Ah, monsieur, we, we're not wealthy people. We lost over four million francs betting on the war.
- Lou Peckinpaugh: Who'd you have?
- Marcel: We took France - at eight to five.”
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh
Fernando Lamas - Paul DuChard

“No point crying over spilt husbands.”
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh

“- Lou Peckinpaugh: Your husband's dead a little over an hour and you're already dressed in black? How long you had that outfit waiting in the closet?
- Georgia Merkle: You're wrong. I just bought it. There's an all-night widow shop at Fifth and Geary.”
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh
Marsha Mason - Georgia Merkle

“- Jasper Blubber: You drink, of course?
- Lou Peckinpaugh: Why not?
- Jasper Blubber: One gin sling!
- Lou Peckinpaugh: I'd rather have a brandy.”
John Houseman - Jasper Blubber
Peter Falk - Lou Peckinpaugh