“The Private Eyes” quotes

“- Nanny: He claimed to have the power to return from the dead.
- Dr. Tart: They say the wookalars have the power to return from the dead, too, and they only have a brain the size of a pea.
- Inspector Winship: In that case, you'd have a hard time getting into the group.”

Grace Zabriskie - Nanny
Tim Conway - Dr. Tart
Don Knotts - Inspector Winship

“- Jock: My name is Jock. I'm the groom. I was under Lord Morley's command in India. He had my tongue cut out...
- Inspector Winship: Just a second. What did you say?
- Dr. Tart: He said that his name is Jock. He was under Lord Morley's command...
- Inspector Winship: Will you shut up?
- Dr. Tart: That's what he said!”
Irwin Keyes - Jock
Don Knotts - Inspector Winship
Tim Conway - Dr. Tart

“I said when I died, that I'd come back. If you believe in ghosts, you're on the right track. I'm out of the grave, and roaming the moores. If you want to be safe, you better lock all the windows and screens.”

Tim Conway - Dr. Tart

“You know what she always used to say? She said if you had another brain you'd be lonesome.”

Tim Conway - Dr. Tart

“- Mr. Uwatsum: How about a nice bowl of fish eyes?
- Inspector Winship: Will you pardon me, please?
- Mr. Uwatsum: Ah... Do you like hummingbird cookies?
- Dr. Tart: No, thank you.”
John Fujioka - Mr. Uwatsum
Don Knotts - Inspector Winship
Tim Conway - Dr. Tart

“The help is all gone, the house is bare. Now you know, a shadow is there. There's one left to die, then my job'll be done. I like killing people, it's a lotta kicks!”
Russi Taylor - Doll Voice

“Look at that house. That's bigger than that hometown I grew up in.”

Tim Conway - Dr. Tart

“- Gas Station Attendant: Do you know you got stuff all over your face?
- Dr. Tart: Huh?
- Gas Station Attendant: You got stuff all over your face.
- Inspector Winship: He's oiling his brain.”
Robert V. Barron - Gas Station Attendant
Tim Conway - Dr. Tart
Don Knotts - Inspector Winship

“If Jock could talk, he'd give you a clue. But now that he's dead, what can you do? He deserved what he got, I don't regret it a bit. By the way, you're standing in bull ca-ca.”

Tim Conway - Dr. Tart

“- Justin: I am Justin, the butler. I was accused of killing my wife and her lovers. But Lord Morley, bless him, convinced the authorities it was a case of justifiable insanity... and I've served him happily... ever since...
- Dr. Tart: How many lovers did your wife have?
- Justin: Thirteen.”

Bernard Fox - Justin
Tim Conway - Dr. Tart

“- Inspector Winship: This isn't one of your better inventions. Who ever heard of a gun that went off every hour?
- Dr. Tart: Might save your life someday.
- Inspector Winship: Yeah, if you have to shoot someone every hour.”
Don Knotts - Inspector Winship
Tim Conway - Dr. Tart

“- Inspector Winship: How could Lord Morley write us after he was already dead?
- Dr. Tart: Right! You know what? Maybe whoever killed Lord Morley wrote that letter.
- Inspector Winship: If you killed Lord Morley would you write to someone and ask them to find the killer?
- Dr. Tart: Are you saying I killed Lord Morley?
- Inspector Winship: No!...” (continue)(continue reading)
Don Knotts - Inspector Winship
Tim Conway - Dr. Tart