“Allo 'Allo!” quotes

“- Michelle Dubois: Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
- René: Well, in that case, could you please speak slowly?”
Kirsten Cooke - Michelle Dubois
Gorden Kaye - René Artois

“- René: You won't shoot me?
- Col. Von Strohm: That goes without saying.
- René: I would feel better if you said it, just the same.”
Gorden Kaye - René Artois
Richard Marner - Colonel Kurt von Strohm

“- René: Hang on a minute. You have not finished my windows.
- Michelle Dubois: Screw your windows!”

Gorden Kaye - René Artois
Kirsten Cooke - Michelle Dubois

“- Herr Flick: I have an excellent gramophone and many old records of Hitler's speeches. They are quite amusing.
- Helga: Hitler's speeches quite amusing?
- Herr Flick: Played at double speed, he sounds like Donald Duck.”
Richard Gibson - Herr Otto Flick
Kim Hartman - Private Helga Geerhart

“- Edith: Tonight I will sing as I have never sung before.
- René: What, in tune?”
Carmen Silvera - Edith Artois
Gorden Kaye - René Artois

“- Helga: What about the good news?
- Herr Flick: The good news is there is no more bad news.”
Kim Hartman - Private Helga Geerhart
Richard Gibson - Herr Otto Flick

“- Yvette Carte-Blanche: René, what are you doing?
- René: Cutting my throat, my love.”

Vicki Michelle - Yvette Carte-Blanche
Gorden Kaye - René Artois

“- Yvette Carte-Blanche: What is happening?
- Maria Recamier: We were both aroused by the banging.
- Edith: I too was aroused by the banging.
- Roger Leclerc: I was aroused when I saw the girls with the candles.”
Vicki Michelle - Yvette Carte-Blanche
Francesca Gonshaw - Maria Recamier
Carmen Silvera - Edith Artois
Jack Haig - Roger Leclerc

“- René: I don't know, is it possible to just wound him?
- Capt. Hans Geering: With a 25lb shell, 'just wounding' may be difficult.”

Gorden Kaye - René Artois
Sam Kelly - Captain Hans Geering

“This is very serious! The Gestapo is only insured for third party!”

Richard Gibson - Herr Otto Flick

“- Capt. Hans Geering: Do you not see that if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, then you need not light the candle with the handle on the gateau from the chateau?
- René: Simple plans are always the best.”
Sam Kelly - Captain Hans Geering
Gorden Kaye - René Artois

“- Col. Von Strohm: Do you think he has a screw loose?
- Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: In my opinion, a whole Meccano set is falling apart in there!”

Richard Marner - Colonel Kurt von Strohm
Hilary Minster - General Erich von Klinkerhoffen

“- Lt. Hubert Gruber: You notice I am walking very gingerly.
- René: Do not tell me you have dynamite in your trousers.
- Lt. Hubert Gruber: You should not believe everything you hear, Rene.”
Guy Siner - Lieutenant Hubert Gruber
Gorden Kaye - René Artois

“- Capt. Hans Geering: Rene, your wife has many talents.
- Col. Von Strohm: Singing isn't one of them.”
Sam Kelly - Captain Hans Geering
Richard Marner - Colonel Kurt von Strohm

“We will stick out like a carrot in an omelet.”
Gorden Kaye - René Artois

“- Flying Officer Fairfax: If we do go upstairs with Hitler, we're not to tell anyone.
- Flying Officer Carstairs: Well, it's hardly the sort of thing you boast about, is it.”
John D. Collins - Flying Officer Fairfax
Nicholas Frankau - Flying Officer Carstairs