“Parks and Recreation” quotes

“If sugar's so bad how come Jesus made it taste so good?”

David Hadinger - Man #1

“Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey slutty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!”

Rashida Jones - Ann Perkins

“- Ann: What is your ideal man?
- Leslie: He has the brains of George Clooney in the body of Joe Biden.”

Rashida Jones - Ann Perkins
Amy Poehler - Leslie Knope

“- Ron: I have a hernia.
- April: Do you have syphilis?
- Ron: I said it's a hernia.
- April: I know. It's possible to have two things.”

Nick Offerman - Ron Swanson
Aubrey Plaza - April Ludgate

“[talking in a public press conference] And to my wife, I apologize. All I can say is I wasn't just having sex, I was making love to a beautiful woman...and her boyfriend...and a third person whose name I never learned. Furthermore, it was wrong of me to say I was building houses for the underprivileged when I was actually having four-way sex in...” (continue)(continue reading)

Kevin Symons - Councilman Dexhart

“My idea of a perfect government is one guy who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe... when he desires them.”

Nick Offerman - Ron Swanson

“When Andy and I used to go the movies, he would always try to guess the ending of the movie. And he would always guess that the main character had been dead the whole time. Even when we saw Ratatouille.”

Rashida Jones - Ann Perkins

“- Andy: You're like an angel with no wings.
- April: So like a person...”

Chris Pratt - Andy Dwyer
Aubrey Plaza - April Ludgate

“- Leslie: Do you think that marrying penguins made some kind of statement?
- Tom: Yes. The statement was that you're very lonely and you need a pet.”

Amy Poehler - Leslie Knope
Aziz Ansari - Tom Haverford

“Guys love it when you can show them you're better than they are at something they love.”

Amy Poehler - Leslie Knope

“Yes, we are a team, but I am the team leader. So I made a bold decision: we're playing it safe.”

Amy Poehler - Leslie Knope

“- Leslie: Hey can I smoke in here?
- Ron: You don't smoke.
- Leslie: Just asking if I can.
- Ron: Are you high?
- Leslie: I'm high on Kaboom. Don't ask for permission, ask for forgiveness.”

Amy Poehler - Leslie Knope
Nick Offerman - Ron Swanson

“What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring loudly at me.”

Amy Poehler - Leslie Knope

“- April: This is Derek.
- Mark: Cool. How long you guys been dating?
- April: We're just friends. He's like the gayest person I've ever met, but I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.
- Mark: If you don't want to talk to me, you can just say so.
- April: I don't want to talk to you.”

Aubrey Plaza - April Ludgate
Paul Schneider - Mark Brendanawicz

“I take care of my body above all else. Diet, exercise, supplements, positive thinking. Scientists believe that the first human being who will live 150 years has already been born. I believe I am that human being.”

Rob Lowe - Chris Traeger

“- Ron: Got a call from some panicky morning joggers. Apparently sanitation didn't empty this dumpster, to the raccoons delight.
- April: I thought raccoons were supposed to be nocturnal.
- Ron: Not in this town, sweetheart. In this town, they're 24/7. We can't have raccoons for the Christmas thing. They'll hunt the kids for sport.”

Nick Offerman - Ron Swanson
Aubrey Plaza - April Ludgate

“When you're in government, there's a million ways to exploit your power. Have I ever given into that temptation? No. Never. I'm not that kind of politician.”

Aziz Ansari - Tom Haverford

“I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientists who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.”

Rob Lowe - Chris Traeger

“Generally, I like to stay out of other people's business. But Pawnee is the fourth most obese city in America. The kids here are beefy. They're just husky, big boned, plus sized chunk monsters...”

Rashida Jones - Ann Perkins

“I passed up a gay Halloween party to be here. Do you know how much fun gay Halloween parties are? Last year I saw three Jonas Brothers make out with three Robert Pattinsons. It was amazing.”

Aubrey Plaza - April Ludgate

“- Ron: Of course that bitch of an ex-wife is working for the library now. That is perfect! The worst person in the world working at the worst place in the world.
- Leslie: I have to go talk to her and you need to give me something I can use. Does she have any weaknesses?
- Ron: No.
- Leslie: What do you mean no? Everybody has a weakness.
- Ron:...” (continue)(continue reading)

Nick Offerman - Ron Swanson
Amy Poehler - Leslie Knope

“I am only here because I owe Leslie a thousand favors. I'm not big on charities. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Don’t teach a man to fish, and you feed yourself. He’s a grown man. Fishing’s not that hard.”

Nick Offerman - Ron Swanson

“The Tucker Park Graffiti Removal Project was a great idea that just ran out of steam. We had removed five cartoon penises - not even 10% - when we were shut down due to lack of funding. To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular...”

Amy Poehler - Leslie Knope