Abstinence quotes

“Lack of pussy makes you brave, man!”
Eddie Murphy - Reggie Hammond

“- Glen: Phil, when was the last time you were with a woman?
- Phil: Uh, Saturday... Saturday will be a year.
- Glen: Ow!
- Mitch: Gee, if I had known, I'd have gotten you a cake.”
Jon Lovitz - Glen Robbins
Daniel Stern - Phil Berquist
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“Enjoying that are you my darlin'? Bit cold and pointless isn't it my lovely? What's happened to yours, my little sister?”

Malcom McDowell - Alex (A Clockwork Orange)

“The girl of my dreams lives under my own roof, but she thinks I'm just a kid, a dumb jock, all of which is more or less true. I'm dying, Mr. Tanneran, just like that girl in the poem... only quicker, and with a hard-on.”
Matthew Modine - Louden Swain

“- Lori Campbell: What are you doing? I thought you were gonna quit.
- Gibb: I only smoke when I drink now.
- Kia Waterson: But you're always drinking.”
Monica Keena - Lori Campbell
Katharine Isabelle - Gibb
Kelly Rowland - Kia Waterson

“- Derek Zoolander: You mean, you haven't...
- Matilda Jeffries: Done it in a while, yeh.
- Hansel: Now, what's a while? Like, eight days?”

Ben Stiller - Derek Zoolander
Christine Taylor - Matilda Jeffries
Owen Wilson - Hansel

“I'm telling you. If you don't have sex soon, you dick is going to shrivel up and go inside your body. Then what do you have? A vagina.”
Stephen Baldwin - Stuart

“- Mrs. Tingle: You've been sober, how long is it now?
- Principal Potter: Four years.
- Mrs. Tingle: There! I knew it was this week. Me and dates, you know, that's the curse of being a history teacher. Well congratulations, that's quite an accomplishment. Just think, not one sip of alcohol in over four years, that's almost... unbelievable.”
Helen Mirren - Mrs. Tingle
Michael McKean - Principal Potter

“- Rick Jarmin: I haven't had a girlfriend for 5 years.
- Marianne Graves: Really?
- Rick: Yeah - Mr. Wiggly's been on bread and water for 5 years.”
Mel Gibson - Rick Jarmin
Goldie Hawn - Marianne Graves

“- Annie McHugh: Remember, a major part of our training was to remain asexual.
- Rodzinski: I am asexual: a sexual fiend!”
Cindy Williams - Annie McHugh
Gerrit Graham - Rodzinski

“Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.”
W.C. Fields

“I'm not a perfect person. I see a buck on the ground, I pick it up. Sometimes I take more than 10 items right through the express lane, and I have a temper, like my neighbor plays his music too loud. So I killed him, I cut him up and I put him in my freezer. I'm just kidding! Just breaking the tension!”
Tom Arnold - Franklin Laszlo

“- Crook #1: One hundred and twenty-five years without a woof of pussy. How'd that make you feel, Mason?
- Crook #2: Mean. Very, very mean!”

“- Matt Jensen: I'm in a dry spell, man.
- Dustin Knight: To be in a dry spell you've had to have been in a wet spell.
- Matt Jensen: I've had sex.
- Dustin Knight: Yeah, with a human, though.
- Matt Jensen: Who's making up all these rules, man?”
Vince Vieluf - Matt Jensen
Adam Brody - Dustin Knight

“- Norman Burroughs: I haven't had a drink in four years.
- Deirdre Burroughs: Excuse me, can you get him a medal?”
Alec Baldwin - Norman Burroughs
Annette Bening - Deirdre Burroughs

“18 years of nothing, and now twice in one day! What a place!”

John Candy - Den

“- Jeffrey: Wait! You're really a priest?
- Father Dan: Of course.
- Jeffrey: But... I mean, aren't you supposed to be straight and celibate?
- Father Dan: Maybe you didn't hear me. I'm a catholic priest. Historically, that falls somewhere between chorus boy and florist.”

Steven Weber - Jeffrey
Nathan Lane - Father Dan

“- Thurman Rice: There's a cure for syphilis... and it's called abstinence.
- Alfred Kinsey: Penicillin works just as well!”
Tim Curry - Thurman Rice
Liam Neeson - Alfred Kinsey

“- Gynecologist: Are you sexually active?
- Gwyn: Oh no!... I mean, of course I am, but, you know, just not... not currently. I'd say that... I'd say, I'm experiencing a dry spell
- Gynecologist: So you're married?”
Lisa Banes - Gynecologist
Sarah Jessica Parker - Gwyn

“Mandatory AIDS testing for all government employees. I guess that means you, Buckner. I wouldn't worry though, you look like a practitioner of safe sex. As a matter of fact, you look like a practitioner of no sex.”
Dennis Hopper - Huey Walker

“That's what I admire about you! Even though you are being hit on by absolutely beautiful woman, you are determined to maintaining your vow of chastity. You know, you'd make a hell of a republican!”

Tom Sizemore - Sly Delvecchio

“You know the funny thing about morphine? You don't appreciate it till you can't do it anymore!”
David Yost - Billy Cranston