Investigation quotes

“- Carl: Do we know if they're sleeping together. Is there proof?
- Laura: I need more time.
- Glen: They're humping too quick to get pictures. Let's get a better detective!”
Ed Begley Jr. - Carl
Khandi Alexander - Laura
Jere Burns - Glen

“- Detective Sapir: That's it, Del. This case is too hard, man. Let's be firemen instead.
- Del - Sean's Dad: I'm glad you're gettin' major laughs outta this, Rich. The problem is two-thousand year-old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves.”

Stan Shaw - Detective Sapir
Stephen Macht - Del - Sean's Dad

“- Simone Legree: That's so obvious, he's bound to think it's a trap...
- Philippe Douvier: Yes, or it's so obvious that he's bound to think it can't be a trap.
- Cato Fong: It's so obvious, it's bound to be a trap.
- Clouseau: That is why you'll never be a great detective, Cato. It's so obvious that it could not possibly be a trap.”

Dyan Cannon - Simone Legree
Robert Webber - Philippe Douvier
Burt Kwouk - Cato Fong
Peter Sellers - Clouseau

“What do you want to hear first, I did the Lindbergh kidnapping, or I started the Korean War?”

Kevin O'Connor - Stanley Gusciora

“Laudanum is a derivative of opium. Apart from doctors and addicts, not many would be able to detect it. How long have you been chasing the dragon, Inspector?”
Sir Ian Holm - Sir William Gull

“My name is H.G. Wells. I came here in a time machine of my own construction. I am pursuing Jack the Ripper, who escaped into the future in my machine.”
Malcom McDowell - H.G. Wells

“From bodily fluids and hair samples, we've determined that a bunch of old homeless dudes had an orgy in there.”
Peter R. Thewes - Hazmat Officer

“Back in those days, me and Teddy liked working Toontown, thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yukster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us, literally. Dropped a piano on us from fifteen stories. Broke my arm, Teddy never made it.”
Bob Hoskins - Eddie Valiant

“I'm the guy that changed the course of your life, man. 4 years ago, Riggs, when you were a narc down in Long Beach, you were getting too close to us so we put a contract out on you. I handled it myself; drove your car right off the fucking road, remember? Now, of course, you weren't driving. You can't imagine the surprise. I pulled back this...” (continue)(continue reading)
Derrick O'Connor - Pieter Vorstedt

“I know what you always say: 'Everything by the book'. But what if this ain't in the book? Going by the book won't solve it.”

Angela Bassett - Det. Rita Veder

“- Samantha Harper: You're down in New York consulting with Lou Gerstner or the head of GE telling them how to buy South American countries but on the weekends, you fly back up here to hang out with the cop, do cop things, maybe go to cop mixers...
- Katie Burke: I like the cop.
- Samantha Harper: Yeah, um, I can see that.”
Zooey Deschanel - Samantha Harper
Katie Holmes - Katie Burke

“- Frank the Pug: How about we do the good cop, bad cop routine? You can interrogate the witness, and I growl. Grrrrr...
- Jay: Wait, how about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?”
Tim Blaney - Frank the Pug
Will Smith - Jay

“- Cat Man: Weird type of person. I wonder who could've done it?
- Star Child: Good question, Cat Man. What do you compute, Space Ace?
- Space Ace: Insufficient data at the moment, Star Child.
- Cat Man: We better look into it.”

Peter Criss - Cat Man
Paul Stanley - Star Child
Ace Frehley - Space Ace

“Very creative, Watson. Something that would never have occurred to the likes of me. Imagine! A Sherlock Holmes adventure in which Lestrade solves the bloody case!”
Sir Michael Caine - Sherlock Holmes

“- The Burgomaster: There is a town, two days journey to the north in the Hudson Highlands. It is a place called Sleepy Hollow. Have you heard of it?
- Ichabod Crane: I have not.
- The Burgomaster: An isolated farming community, mainly Dutch. Three persons have been murdered there, all within a fortnight. Each one found with the head lopped...” (continue)(continue reading)
Sir Christopher Lee - Burgomaster
Johnny Depp - Ichabod Crane

“You could be dead... right now. But then there would be too many bloody questions.”
Danny Midwinter - Constable Withers

“- Amanda: Why don't you have a badge?
- Jim Winston/FBI Agent Bob Smoot: Because I'm undercover!
- Amanda: Well hey, you know what? I'm undercover too! Did you want to see my badge? Oopsie! I don't have one!”
Monica Potter - Amanda
Freddie Prinze Jr. - Jim Winston

“Next time you're following me, you can buy me a drink.”

Jude Law - Steven Grlscz

“- Lt. Kaminski: Are you guys getting close to something?
- Det. Hazeltine: Yeah: death.”
Ray Girardin - Lt. Kaminski
Billy Dee Williams - Det. Hazeltine

“- Graves: Two guys just like us are gonna be taking over this case full-time. They're gonna read the coroner's report. And every time they do, they're gonna find something new.
- Blair: Interview the customers, the cook, that girl at the diner. Then back to that asshole bartender. The lady with the baby. Then they'll have some artist start to...” (continue)(continue reading)

Dennis Haysbert - Graves
Dwight Yoakam - Blair

“- Romulus: I have to prove Leppenraub is guilty.
- Sheila: Prove to who?
- Romulus: To the world. To... to Lulu.
- Sheila: Lulu needs a father, not some psycho Sherlock Holmes.”
Samuel L. Jackson - Romulus
Tamara Tunie - Sheila

“I know we're supposed to give our full co-operation to this stupid and pointless investigation. But when they interrupt one of my classes, it pisses me off.”
Virginia Morris - Mrs. Delowie

“Memory's not perfect. It's not even that good. Ask the police. Eyewitness testimony is unreliable. The cops don't catch a killer by sitting around remembering stuff. They collect facts, they make notes and they draw conclusions. Facts, not memory. That's how you investigate.”
Guy Pearce - Leonard Shelby

“- Inspector Lt. Mankiewicz: You and your wife were attacked by four muggers and then all of a sudden this guy comes out from nowhere and begins shooting, killing these two here... and you don't know what he looks like?
- Tourist: He saved our lives, dammit! Where were you, giving out parking tickets?
- Inspector Lt. Mankiewicz: I want a...” (continue)(continue reading)
Ben Frank - Inspector Lt. Mankiewicz
Jim Begg - Tourist

“- Sherlock Holmes: I see, and observe.
- Reporter #2: Isn't that rather redundant?”
Sir Michael Caine - Sherlock Holmes
Michael O'Hagan - Reporter #2