Alan Alda movie quotes

“Steffi, bring down a copy of my will... and an eraser.”

Alan Alda - Bob

“- Lester: I told you I'm putty in your hands.
- Halley Reed: What am I gonna do with a handful of putty?”
Alan Alda - Lester
Mia Farrow - Halley Reed

“- Hannah Warren: Christ, five million cigarettes are murder on the lungs.
- Bill Warren: When you were younger you were the healthiest girl I knew. What happened?
- Hannah Warren: With Nixon in the White House, good health seemed to be in bad taste.”
Jane Seymour Fonda - Hannah Warren
Alan Alda - Bill Warren

“- Hannah Warren: You drive everywhere, do you?
- Bill Warren: Everywhere.
- Hannah Warren: Even to your car?”
Jane Seymour Fonda - Hannah Warren
Alan Alda - Bill Warren

“He defrauded the American government of $56 million while we were at war, when we could least afford it. While brave men were dying on the beaches of Normandy, Mr. Hughes was picking the pocket of the American taxpayer.”

Alan Alda - Senator Ralph Owen Brewster

“If I wasn't happily married and you weren't my wife's stepsister I'd have an affair with you in a second.”
Alan Alda - Sidney Miller

“- George Peters: Doris, what the hell is the matter?
- Doris: If memory serves me correctly, I just had a labor pain.
- George Peters: You can't have. It must be indigestion.
- Doris: No, there's a difference. Indigestion doesn't make you eyes bug out.”
Alan Alda - George Peters
Ellen Burstyn - Doris

“The American Revolution was not a goddamned vaudeville show!”

Alan Alda - Michael Burgess

“You know, a third eye is a symbol of enlightenment.”

Alan Alda - Richard Schlichting

“I can't believe I'm having this conversation with my own son, my flesh and blood. I can't believe it. Unless some large Republican pea pods are in the basement and have taken over your body.”

Alan Alda - Bob

“- George Peters: When I touched you just now, I started to get excited. What kind of a pervert am I? Staring at a 200 pound pregnant woman, and I'm getting hot!
- Doris: Well, I'll tell you something. That is about the nicest thing that anybody's said to me in months.”
Alan Alda - George Peters
Ellen Burstyn - Doris

“- George Peters: Dorothy, in the first place I want you to know that what happened last night was the most beautiful, wonderful, crazy thing that's ever happened to me and I'll never forget it or you.
- Doris: Doris.
- George Peters: What?
- Doris: My name is Doris.
- George Peters: Your name is Doris?
- Doris: Yes.
- George Peters: But, I've...” (continue)(continue reading)
Alan Alda - George Peters
Ellen Burstyn - Doris

“- Elliott James: You know what my problem is? The way they smell. The perfume of their skin. It's, it's so intoxicating. I told my wife I'd never even look at other women if only I could cut off my nose.
- Michael Burgess: What'd she say?
- Elliott James: She said I was aiming too high.”

Sir Michael Caine - Elliott James
Alan Alda - Michael Burgess

“- Kevin Hollander: I'm who Americans trust for their news.
- Brackett: You really shouldn't let a marketing slogan go your head.”
Alan Alda - Kevin Hollander
Dustin Hoffman - Brackett

“I never believed in God. No, I didn't even as a little kid. I used to think even if He exists, He's done such a terrible job. It's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against Him.”
Alan Alda - Bob

“- Stanley Gould: You're not upset, are you?
- Michael Burgess: I think I should warn you - I have a sword in my bag.”

Bob Hoskins - Stanley Gould
Alan Alda - Michael Burgess

“- George Peters: I told you I was a married man with two children.
- Doris: You're not?
- George Peters: I'm a married man with three children... I thought it would make me seem less married. All right, I didn't think it through, all right? There's been like a lead weight inside me all morning. I mean, denying little Debbie like that!”
Alan Alda - George Peters
Ellen Burstyn - Doris

“- Kevin Hollander: Sam Baily! You have 5 minutes to let the hostages go!
- Sam: Damn. I wanted it to be my idea.”

Alan Alda - Kevin Hollander
John Travolta - Sam

“- Doris: You know, that's a sign of age, don't you?
- George Peters: What is?
- Doris: When you start worrying about the declining morality of the young.”
Ellen Burstyn - Doris
Alan Alda - George Peters

“- Sidney Miller: Betty, we should go.
- Constance Miller: Betty was your other wife. I'm Constance.”
Alan Alda - Sidney Miller
Allison Janney - Constance Miller

“- Doris: Do you have any pictures?
- George Peters: What?
- Doris: Pictures of your kids.
- George Peters: Well, yeah, but I don't think this the the time or place...
- Doris: Come on, come on. If you show me yours I will show you mine.”
Ellen Burstyn - Doris
Alan Alda - George Peters

“- Doris: Wanna fuck?
- George Peters: What?
- Doris: You didn't understand the question?”

Ellen Burstyn - Doris
Alan Alda - George Peters

“- Lester: If you play your cards right, you could have my body.
- Halley Reed: Wouldn't you rather leave it to science?”
Alan Alda - Lester
Mia Farrow - Halley Reed

“- George Peters: You always could see through me, couldn't you?
- Doris: But that's okay, because... I've always loved what I've seen.”
Alan Alda - George Peters
Ellen Burstyn - Doris

“I swear, I'm hotter than a goat in China.”
Alan Alda - Sidney Miller