Graham Arthur Chapman movie quotes

“- Yellowbeard: How many men have you killed so far?
- Dan: One. Two, I think.
- Yellowbeard: You think? You'll never kill anyone if you go around thinkin'.”
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard
Martin Hewitt - Dan

“Don't stand there gawping! Like you've never seen the hand o' God before!”
Graham Arthur Chapman - General

“She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived.”

Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard

“- Yellowbeard: Who're you talkin' about?
- Betty: The fruit of your loins, sugar drawers.
- Yellowbeard: Are you mad, woman? I haven't got fruit in my loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em!”
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard
Madeline Kahn - Betty

“- Brian Cohen: Lay off, I've had a hard time!
- Ben: You've had a hard time? I've been here five years, they only hung me the right way up yesterday.”

Graham Arthur Chapman - Brian Cohen
Michael Palin - Ben

“- Harry Blackitt: Look at them, bloody Catholics, filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.
- Mrs. Blackitt: What are we dear?
- Harry Blackitt: Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.”
Graham Arthur Chapman - Harry Blackitt
Eric Idle - Mrs. Blackitt

“Dying's the easy way out. You won't catch me dying. They'll have to kill me before I die!”
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard

“- Betty: It's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.
- Yellowbeard: I raped ya, if that's what you mean.
- Betty: Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.”
Madeline Kahn - Betty
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard

“- Mandy Cohen: Who are you?
- Wise Man #2: We are three wise men.
- Mandy Cohen: What?
- Wise Man #1: We are three wise men.
- Mandy Cohen: What are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o'clock in the morning? That doesn't sound very wise to me.”
Terry Jones - Mandy Cohen
Graham Arthur Chapman - Wise Man #2
John Marwood Cleese - Wise Man #1

“- Humphrey Williams: So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not... do... vaginal... juices? Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
- Watson: Rubbing the clitoris, sir?
- Humphrey Williams: What's wrong with a kiss, boy?”
Graham Arthur Chapman - Humphrey Williams
Eric Idle - Watson

“- Hospital Administrator: What are you doing this morning?
- Obstetrician: It's a birth.
- Hospital Administrator: And what sort of thing is that?
- Dr. Spencer: Well, that's where we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
- Hospital Administrator: Wonderful what we can do nowadays.”
Michael Palin - Hospital Administrator
Graham Arthur Chapman - Obstetrician
Graham Arthur Chapman - Dr. Spencer

“- Yellowbeard: I'm sure I killed the last one I raped, it can't have been you.
- Betty: Well, the afterplay was a bit on the rough side but not fatal, dear.”
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard
Madeline Kahn - Betty

“- Brian Cohen: I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand? Honestly!
- Girl: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
- Brian Cohen: What? Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!”
Graham Arthur Chapman - Brian Cohen

“- Brian Cohen: Why don't you go and tell him you want to be a leper again?
- Ex-Leper: I could do that sir. I could do that I suppose. What I was thinking was I was going to ask him if he could make me a bit lame in one leg during the middle of the week. You know, something beggable, but not leprosy, which is a pain in the ass to be blunt and...” (continue)(continue reading)
Graham Arthur Chapman - Brian Cohen
Michael Palin - Ex-Leper

“- Yellowbeard: Dan, if you're my son, prove it. Kill this stupid old bugger!
- Lord Lambourn: Hold your horses...
- Dan: I can't kill him! He brought me up! Just like a father.
- Yellowbeard: Oh, you mean he's beat ya and kicked ya and smashed ya in the teeth?”
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard
Peter Cook - Lord Lambourn
Martin Hewitt - Dan

“- Betty: When little Dan was two minutes old I tattooed it on his head.
- Yellowbeard: Does he know about this?
- Betty: Oh, no no no, that's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years. That may be why he's a bit odd with all these books, and reading, and stuff like that.”

Madeline Kahn - Betty
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard

“- Dan: If you cut my head off it'll start to putrify!
- Yellowbeard: Do what?
- Dan: Putrify, go rotten!
- Yellowbeard: Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that.”
Martin Hewitt - Dan
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard

“- Brian Cohen: I am not the Messiah!
- Arthur: I say you are Lord, and I should know. I've followed a few.”
Graham Arthur Chapman - Brian Cohen
John Marwood Cleese - Arthur

“- Dan: He's been kind and gentle.
- Yellowbeard: What kind of a father is that? Kill him!”

Martin Hewitt - Dan
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard

I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice: “Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I'll have a french tickler, for I am a Protestant”.
Graham Arthur Chapman - Harry Blackitt

“- Dan: I haven't raped her!
- Yellowbeard: No, you wouldn't have you poncy little git! You're not the prawn of my loins, your mother's a bloody liar! That's what I liked about her!”
Martin Hewitt - Dan
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard

“- Reg: If you want to join the People's Front of Judea, you have to really hate the Romans.
- Brian Cohen: I do!
- Reg: How much?
- Brian Cohen: A lot!
- Reg: Right, you're in.”
John Marwood Cleese - Reg
Graham Arthur Chapman - Brian Cohen

“- New Mother: Is it a boy or a girl?
- Obstretrician: Now I think it's a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?”
Graham Arthur Chapman - Obstretrician

“- Triola: What's happened to Daddy?
- Yellowbeard: I killed him!
- Dan: He's gone to heaven.
- Triola: Aw, that's nice! He sent all his friends there.”
Stacey Nelkin - Triola
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard
Martin Hewitt - Dan

“- Dan: Father! We thought you were dead.
- Yellowbeard: Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead.”
Martin Hewitt - Dan
Graham Arthur Chapman - Yellowbeard