Janeane Garofalo movie quotes

“- Abby: I have to tell you something.
- Brian: What?
- Abby: The other night on the phone... I'm pregnant.
- Brian: Oh darling... are you sure it was me?
- Abby: I don't know. I made a lot of phone calls that night.”
Janeane Garofalo - Abby
Ben Chaplin - Brian

“- Jeri: How'd the date go?
- Andy: I got Ninja-Fucked.”
Janeane Garofalo - Jeri
Luke Wilson - Andy

Dogs don't like to be left alone. It's not like when you leave he goes, "Great, time to finish writing my novel!". No, when their humans leave, dogs get depressed, and they show it.
Janeane Garofalo - Abby

“If you were trapped in Biosphere 2 for three years, who would you bring: Time Magazine's Woman of the Year or Playboy's Playmate of the Year?”
Janeane Garofalo - Abby

“People think haute cuisine is snooty. So chef must also be snooty.”
Janeane Garofalo - Colette

“- Ferrin: I'm not comfortable swimming in the ocean. I like lakes.
- Vann: I don't really care for lakes.
- Ferrin: You don't care for lakes? Why, why do you not care for lakes?
- Vann: I don't know, lakes are like stepping into somebody else's underwear.”
Janeane Garofalo - Ferrin
Owen Wilson - Vann

“- The Shoveller: I think we would all like this victory to go out to all the other guys, and I'm talking about the people in this city who are super good at their jobs but never get any credit. Like the lady in the DMV - that's a rough job.
- Invisible Boy: To the people that remember jingles from tons of old commercials.
- The Bowler: And uh,...” (continue)(continue reading)
William H. Macy - Shoveler
Kel Mitchell - Invisible Boy
Janeane Garofalo - Bowler

“What is this? Keep - your station - clear! When the meal rush comes, what will happen? Messy stations slow things down. Food doesn't go, orders pile up, disaster! I'll make this easier to remember: keep your station clear, or I will kill you!”

Janeane Garofalo - Colette

“- Cosmetics Saleslady: We also have this new face cream which neutralizes the free radicals that attack the skin. Let me ask you: what's your skin regime?
- Abby: My regime? The regime from which the radicals are trying to get free? Are we selling face cream or staging a coup?”
Lisa Marie Russell - Saleswoman
Janeane Garofalo - Abby

“- Dr. Heller: All these weapons are completely non-lethal.
- The Bowler: Wow. How wonderfully eccentric while simultaneously being a complete waste of our time.”
Tom Waits - Doc Heller
Janeane Garofalo - Bowler

“- Henry: So, do you work here?
- Beth: Yeah, I'm the Camp Director. You?
- Henry: Me, no, I don't work here.
- Beth: No, yeah, I'm the camp director... I would know if you worked here.
- Henry: Oh, right. ”
David Hyde Pierce - Henry Newman
Janeane Garofalo - Beth

“The only way to get the best product is to have first pick of the day, and there are only two way to get first pick. Grow it yourself, or bribe a grower. Voilà! The best restaurant get first pick.”
Janeane Garofalo - Colette

“Faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.”
Janeane Garofalo - Liz

“I hate false modesty. It's just another way to lie.”
Janeane Garofalo - Colette

“Say you meet one of these no sparks women, and you really take the time to get to know her and then you become intellectually stimulated by her. You just really enjoy her personality, thereby igniting all your lust and passion. Have you ever thought about that?”

Janeane Garofalo - Abby

“- Linguini: Bonjour, ma chérie. Join us. We were just talking about my inspiration.
- Colette: Yes, he calls it his tiny chef.
- Linguini: Not that, dearest, I meant you.”
Lou Romano - Linguini
Janeane Garofalo - Colette

“- Romy White: Didn't you have a thing for Sandy in high school?
- Heather Mooney: I did not have a thing! I did not have a thing, I did not have a thing! I was very much in love with him! Very much in love and there's a difference!”
Mira Sorvino - Romy White
Janeane Garofalo - Heather Mooney

“- Romy White: Heather, um, has anyone ever told you that smoking can kill you?
- Heather Mooney: No. No one. Thank you.”
Mira Sorvino - Romy White
Janeane Garofalo - Heather Mooney

- Ray Donlan: In Garrison, when the car you're gonna tag has got a PDA sticker, I'd advise you to think to yourself, "Hey, that's one of the good guys. I think I'll go catch me a bad guy".
- Deputy Cindy Betts: If we didn't pull over P.D., there wouldn't be any violations in this town.
Harvey Keitel - Ray Donlan
Janeane Garofalo - Deputy Cindy Betts

“- Vickie Miner: Do you ever wish you were a lesbian? Don't you think it would be so much easier?
- Lelaina Pierce: Sometimes, but I don't know. I could never go through with it. I'd start laughing or something.
- Vickie Miner: That is such a shame because I have had it with men.”
Janeane Garofalo - Vickie Miner
Winona Ryder - Lelaina Pierce

I'm not shooting for a "successful" relationship at this point, I'm just looking for something that will prevent me from throwing myself in front of a bus. I'm keeping my expectations very very low.
Janeane Garofalo - Lucille

“- Ferrin: On account of what don't you drink?
- Vann: I don't know. On account of nothing I guess.
- Ferrin: Well, if you want, I'll be at Hobie's after work. You can watch me.”

Janeane Garofalo - Ferrin
Owen Wilson - Vann

“I've dated enough narcissistically neurotic men to know that you are all just a pack of roving babies in search of a giant teat from which to suck the lifeblood out of me until I am a hollow shell.”
Janeane Garofalo - Ellie

“- Noelle: He has this small personal habit that just drives me crazy.
- Abby: What's that?
- Noelle: He loves you.”
Uma Thurman - Noelle
Janeane Garofalo - Abby

“- Henry: Beth, tomorrow is the least of our problems.
- Beth: Don't tell me, oh, don't tell me, don't even tell me you have crabs!
- Henry: No... Yes, but that's not the point. ”
David Hyde Pierce - Henry Newman
Janeane Garofalo - Beth