Jeff Anderson movie quotes

“- Randal: Seventeen year olds nowadays are crazy. They're up for anything. They even like it when you go ass to mouth.
- Dante: Oh, my God.
- Randal: What?
- Dante: Are you serious?
- Randal: I don't fuck around when it comes to ass to mouth.
- Dante: You never go ass to mouth!”
Jeff Anderson - Randal
Brian O'Halloran - Dante

I loved "Chasing Amy". I hated the fact that I wasn't in it. It's a love/hate thing.
Jeff Anderson

“- Dante Hicks: I'm stuck in this pit, working for less than slave wages. Working on my day off, the goddamn steel shutters are closed, I deal with every backward ass fuck on the planet. I smell like shoe polish. My ex-girlfriend is catatonic after fucking a dead guy. And my present girlfriend has sucked 36 dicks.
- Randal Graves: 37.”
Brian O'Halloran - Dante Hicks
Jeff Anderson - Randal Graves

“- Randal Graves: What's with you, man? You haven't said anything for like 20 minutes. What the hell's your problem?
- Dante Hicks: This life.”
Jeff Anderson - Randal Graves
Brian O'Halloran - Dante Hicks

“- Randal: Sometimes I get the feeling the world kinda left us behind a long time ago.
- Dante: You know, you can do something about that.
- Randal: I told you, I don't wanna jerk off in the bathroom at work!”
Jeff Anderson - Randal
Brian O'Halloran - Dante

“We were just killing time with those classes! One semester we took Criminology, for Christ's sakes. What the fuck were we training to be, Batmen?”
Jeff Anderson - Randal

People say crazy shit during sex. One time I called this girl "Mom".
Jeff Anderson - Randal Graves

“- Dante Hicks: You hate people!
- Randal Graves: But I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?”
Brian O'Halloran - Dante Hicks
Jeff Anderson - Randal Graves

“Those fuckin' Hobbit movies were boring as hell. All it was, was a bunch of people walking, three movies of people walking to a fucking volcano.”
Jeff Anderson - Randal

“- Dante Hicks: How did he die?
- Randal Graves: He broke his neck.
- Dante Hicks: That's embarrassing?
- Randal Graves: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick!”

Brian O'Halloran - Dante Hicks
Jeff Anderson - Randal Graves

“- Dante: You're talking about Helen Keller.
- Randal: No I'm not, I'm talking about Anne Frank. She was deaf, dumb and blind.
- Dante: No she wasn't. Helen Keller was deaf, dumb and blind.”
Brian O'Halloran - Dante
Jeff Anderson - Randal

- Randal: All right, look, there's only one "Return", okay, and it ain't "of the King", it's "of the Jedi".
- Hobbit Lover: Oh, Star Wars geek.
Jeff Anderson - Randal
Kevin Weisman - Hobbit Lover

“We like to make ourselves seem so much more important than the people that come in here to buy a paper, or, God forbid... cigarettes. We look down on them as if we're so advanced. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?”
Jeff Anderson - Randal Graves

“- Elias: You know how every girl's parents put a pussy troll in them when the girls are young, to keep them from having premarital sex?
- Randal: ...Sure.
- Elias: Well Myra's is named Pillow Pants. And so even though she totally wants to have sex with me, Myra says if I put my... thing in her, Pillow Pants will bite it off. So, I gotta wait...” (continue)(continue reading)
Trevor Fehrman - Elias
Jeff Anderson - Randal

“- Randal: Emma, are you like this 'cause you have an unnaturally large clit?
- Emma: You just had to tell him, didn't ya?
- Dante: It kinda came out one day!
- Randal: He says it's so big it's almost like a little cock, which says all kinds of weird things about him that I don't even wanna think about.”
Jeff Anderson - Randal
Jennifer Schwalbach Smith - Emma
Brian O'Halloran - Dante

- Randal: No I did not just call Mr. Dante a nigger, I simply said that "nigger" is a racial slur towards black people.
- Dante: So is "porch monkey"!
- Randal: Oh, it is not! Coon, spook, spade, moolie, jigaboo, nig-nog, those are racial slurs towards black people! "Porch monkey" is not!
Jeff Anderson - Randal
Brian O'Halloran - Dante

“- Emma: It must be nice to have a job with so much downtime.
- Randal: Downtime's important. If I had to deal with all the fucking mouthbreathers non-stop without a break, I'd put my head in the deep-fryer.”
Jennifer Schwalbach Smith - Emma
Jeff Anderson - Randal

“You like to think the weight of the world rests on your shoulders. Like this place would fall apart if Dante wasn't here. Jesus, you overcompensate for having what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can waltz in here and do our jobs. You... You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic, so much more...” (continue)(continue reading)
Jeff Anderson - Randal Graves

“- Dante: You wouldn't wanna be with a girl with an oversized clit?
- Randal: No, 'cause the next step is a guy with an undersized dick.”
Brian O'Halloran - Dante
Jeff Anderson - Randal

“I got to watch movies, fuck with assholes and hang out with my best friend all day, can you think of a better way to make a living?”
Jeff Anderson - Randal

“- Randal: I know that you're a huge fucking nerd of Potsie-like proportions, and no chicks dig nerds. Especially nerds that are into Lord of the Rings.
- Elias: Chicks dig Lord of the Rings, Randal.
- Randal: Yeah. The kind of chicks that are into swords and elves and shit, and I wouldn't fuck them with the torch of Gondor.
- Elias: Oh, you're...” (continue)(continue reading)
Jeff Anderson - Randal
Trevor Fehrman - Elias

- Elias: I could get a chick if I wanted.
- Randal: Who are you kidding? You can't get a chick ya mook, you're too weird and sad.
- Elias: I turn down chicks left and right.
- Randal: Your chicks are your "left" and "right".
Trevor Fehrman - Elias
Jeff Anderson - Randal

“My mom's been fuckin' a dead guy for 30 years. I call him dad.”
Jeff Anderson - Randal Graves

“- Dante: Can you feel it?
- Randal: Feel what?
- Dante: Today is the first day of the rest of our lives.”
Brian O'Halloran - Dante
Jeff Anderson - Randal

“What's the point in having an Internet connection if you're not using it to look up weird, fucked-up pictures of dirty sex you'll never have yourself?”
Jeff Anderson - Randal