Jon Lovitz movie quotes

“- Air Conditioner: We've been dumped! Abandoned!
- Blanky: But he loved us.
- The Radio: That's right.
- Air Conditioner: So what? He's a kid. He has a family. They move away, he moves away. It's a packaged deal.”
Phil Hartman - Air Conditioner
Timothy E. Day - Blanky
Jon Lovitz - Radio

“- Bill Firpo: I've got a feeling you're not telling me something.
- Dave Firpo: Well this feeling you're getting is paranoia.”
Nicolas Cage - Bill Firpo
Jon Lovitz - Dave Firpo

“- Ray: You're still burning stuff down for insurance?
- Benny: I burn everything. That's how I sent two kids through college.”
Woody Allen - Ray
Jon Lovitz - Benny

“You think I don't appreciate art? You think I don't understand fashion? You think I'm not hip? You think I'm pathetic? A nerd? A lard-ass fat-so? You think I'm shit? Well, you're wrong, 'cause I'm champagne, and you're shit.”
Jon Lovitz - Andy Kornbluth

- Scotty Brennen: See that girl over there in the red? Say "hi" to her and she's yours. She'll have her legs around you so tight you'll be begging for mercy.
- Josh: Well, I'll stay away from her, then.

Jon Lovitz - Scotty Brennen
Tom Hanks - Josh

“- Hattie Anderson: Do you really want to do this?
- Bill Firpo: Do what?
- Hattie Anderson: You know rob the bank.
- Dave Firpo: Absolutely! We have thought this over and we've made a decision!
- Hattie Anderson: But on Christmas Eve, it just doesn't seem right. You're going to ruin the winter fest.”
Angela Paton - Hattie Anderson
Nicolas Cage - Bill Firpo
Jon Lovitz - Dave Firpo

“- Ernie Capadino: Ow. Doesn't that hurt them?
- Dottie Hinson: Doesn't seem to.
- Ernie Capadino: Well, that would bruise the hell out of me.”

Jon Lovitz - Ernie Capadino
Geena Davis - Dottie Hinson

“- Victoria Chapell: Remember, some things are irreplaceable.
- Richard Clark: Irreplaceable? Nothings gonna happen to me.
- Victoria Chapell: I was talking about my car!”
Tia Carrere - Victoria Chapell
Jon Lovitz - Richard Clark

“- The Radio: Things could be worse, you know.
- Lampy: How?
- The Radio: How what?
- Lampy: How could they be worse?
- The Radio: They couldn't; I lied.”
Jon Lovitz - Radio
Timothy Stack - Lampy

- Ray: "The Brain". That's what the guys used to call me, right?
- Benny: But, Ray! That was sarcastic!
Woody Allen - Ray
Jon Lovitz - Benny

“- Davey: I wonder if that guy ever wiped his ass with the wrong hand?
- Tom Baltezor: Yes.”
Adam Sandler - Davey
Jon Lovitz - Tom Baltezor

“I can't make caviar out of fish eggs!”
Jon Lovitz - Sol

“- Terry Doolittle: Hey man, try some soap, you know?
- Doug: I did. It got lonely.”
Whoopi Goldberg - Terry Dolittle
Jon Lovitz - Doug

“- Blanky: Do we have to stop here?
- Toaster: Only for a while.
- The Radio: Just long enough to lose our minds! We'll be cannibals within a few days, I've seen it happen!
- Kirby: And you'll be the first to go, dial-face.”
Timothy E. Day - Blanky
Deanna Oliver - Toaster
Jon Lovitz - Radio
Thurl Ravenscroft - Kirby

I've never been very good with relationships. In fact, most of mine ended with "Hey, what are you doing in bed with that other woman?". And that was me talking!
Jon Lovitz - Richard Clark

“- Scotty Brennen: Listen, what're you tryin' to do, get us all fired? You gotta pace yourself, slowly, slowly.
- Josh: It's my first day.
- Scotty Brennen: I know!”

Jon Lovitz - Scotty Brennen
Tom Hanks - Josh

“- Richard Clark: Isn't it a little early to start drinking?
- Woman: Who stops?”
Jon Lovitz - Richard Clark

“- Mr. Tinkles: I want you to stay here.
- Calico: Why?
- Mr. Tinkles: Because I hate you.”
Sean Hayes - Mr. Tinkles
Jon Lovitz - Calico

- Glen: During Prohibition, we ran molasses to Canada. Made a fortune.
- Mitch: "Ran molasses to Canada". You should run some brains to your head.
Jon Lovitz - Glen Robbins
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“- Bill Firpo: I'm tellin' ya, if I had a gun on me right now I'd go in there and take over that place.
- Dave Firpo: Bill, you wouldn't be angry if I were to tell you there might be guns in the trunk.”
Nicolas Cage - Bill Firpo
Jon Lovitz - Dave Firpo

“- Mitch: You ever walk in on our parents doing it?
- Glen: No, have you?
- Mitch: Yeah.
- Glen: That's a horrible thing for a little kid to see.
- Mitch: This was last week in Florida!”
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins
Jon Lovitz - Glen Robbins

“- Larry Burrows: Have you ever had any regrets, Clip? You know, about how your life is turned out, about the choices you made.
- Clip Metzler: Oh... no. I figured I didn't make out many choices. You know what my policy is? You do nothing, you see what happens. And you know what, things always are turning up fine.”
Jim Belushi - Larry Burrows
Jon Lovitz - Clip Metzler

“- Merrill Jennings: It's some sort of joke. It has to be.
- Duane Cody: What kind of jackass just gives away $2 million?
- Owen Templeton: Maybe it's a publicity stunt.
- Randy Pear: What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy.”

Lanei Chapman - Merrill Jennings
Seth Green - Duane Cody
Cuba Gooding Jr. - Owen Templeton
Jon Lovitz - Randy Pear

“- Ryan Edward Turner: I'd kill myself right now, but I'd probably end up in Hell, and that would be redundant.
- Barry Sherman: Well, at least you'd be among friends.”
Charlie Sheen - Ryan Edward Turner
Jon Lovitz - Barry Sherman

“- Jason Pear: I can't believe it, Dad. You stole Adolf Hitler's Mercedes-Benz.
- Randy Pear: Well, Hitler had it comin'. What goes around comes around.
- Kimberly Pear: Dad, they're gonna be pissed.
- Randy Pear: Eh, they're always pissed, Honey. They're Nazis. It's like it's their job.”
Brody Smith - Jason Pear
Jon Lovitz - Randy Pear
Jillian Marie - Kimberly Pear