Martin Lawrence movie quotes

“- Doug Madsen: You like the waitress?
- Dudley Frank: Oh, man. I wanted to say something funny to her, but all I could think of was black jokes.
- Bobby Davis: Like which ones?
- Dudley Frank: I forget.
- Bobby Davis: Why don't you tell the one that ends with you getting your ass whooped.
- Dudley Frank: Would that be funny?
- Bobby Davis: I'll...” (continue)(continue reading)
Tim Allen - Doug Madsen
William H. Macy - Dudley Frank
Martin Lawrence - Bobby Davis

“Lion's looking for some courage... Tin Man's looking for a heart... Ain't none of them lookin' for some pussy, and they skippin' down the street with a bitch!”

Martin Lawrence - Martin Lawrence

“You know I'm a better cop when I get some in the morning, I feel lighter on my feet.”
Martin Lawrence - Marcus Burnett

“- Nikki: What you need to be doing, Darnell, is taking care of me.
- Darnell: Uh, now... when did we establish that you were my woman?
- Nikki: When I opened my legs to you, baby! The contract was signed then.”
Tangie Ambrose - Nikki
Martin Lawrence - Darnell Wright

“- Mike Lowrey: Please, man. Married life is easy. You only got one woman to satisfy.
- Marcus Burnett: Yo, man, we ain't the Cosbys.”
Will Smith - Mike Lowrey
Martin Lawrence - Marcus Burnett

“- Detective Mateo Reyes: Yo Mike, why don't you just give it a little kiss? You know, make it feel better?
- Detective Marco Vargas: Hey, just pretend we're not even here.
- Detective Marcus Burnett: Say, isn't Ricky Martin having a concert? Get the fuck on!
- Detective Mateo Reyes: You always gotta go racial, man.”

Yul Vazquez - Detective Mateo Reyes
Jason Manuel Olazabal - Detective Marco Vargas
Martin Lawrence - Detective Marcus Burnett

- Trey: You know, Sigmund Freud said "the best way to understand women is by listening to them".
- James: Did he say anything about understanding ten-year-olds?
Eshaya Draper - Trey
Martin Lawrence - James

- Detective Marcus Burnett: Have my daughter back by 10:01. If she's not back by 10:01 I'm in the car, locked, loaded and hunting your motherfucking ass down.
- Detective Mike Lowrey: And I'ma be with him.
[pulls a gun]
- Detective Mike Lowrey: You know what it gonna be if I'm there, gonna be "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang" nigga.

Martin Lawrence - Detective Marcus Burnett
Will Smith - Detective Mike Lowrey

“- Detective Mike Lowrey: [pointing a flashlight at Detective Marcus Burnett's eyes] What are you on? Look at your pupils.
- Detective Marcus Burnett: Look at my pupils? How the hell am I gonna look at my pupils?
[tries to cross his eyes]”
Will Smith - Detective Mike Lowrey
Martin Lawrence - Detective Marcus Burnett

“- Marcus Burnett: Eighty thousand dollars for this car and you ain't got no damn cup holder?
- Mike Lowrey: It's $105,000 and this happens to be one of the fastest producted cars on the planet. Zero to sixty in four seconds, sweetie. It's a limited edition.
- Marcus Burnett: You damn right it's limited. No cup holder, no back seat. Just a shiny...” (continue)(continue reading)
Martin Lawrence - Marcus Burnett
Will Smith - Mike Lowrey

“Mike, you go to therapy to get your issues worked out, not bang your therapist.”
Martin Lawrence - Detective Marcus Burnett

“- FBI Agent Gray: You have to look, act, and even think like a criminal. And you're gonna have to change your speech patterns too. Most criminals like to use slang terminology, and profanity, and so forth, especially with regard to police and authority figures.
- Miles Logan: Oh, you mean like, shut the hell up you dickless FBI...?
- FBI Agent...” (continue)(continue reading)
Steve Rankin - FBI Agent Gray
Martin Lawrence - Miles Logan

“- Doug Madsen: Well, what has your wife ever made us?
- Bobby Davis: Hard.”
Tim Allen - Doug Madsen
Martin Lawrence - Bobby Davis

“- Detective Marcus Burnett: To the DEA you're nothing but a honeypot.
- Syd: What did you say?
- Detective Marcus Burnett: It's no wonder you got the job because you look good in a bathing suit.”
Martin Lawrence - Detective Marcus Burnett
Gabrielle Union - Syd

“With over 4,000 colleges in the US, I developed five reasons for choosing the perfect one for my little girl. Academics, distance from home, campus safety, distance from home, and last but not least, distance from home.”
Martin Lawrence - James

“I was present at the time of creative inspiration, which entitles me to partial ownership in this criminalistic endeavor.”
Martin Lawrence - Terrance Paul Davidson

“- Terrance Paul Davidson: I'm a student of human nature.
- Nick Beam: You're a freak of human nature.”
Martin Lawrence - Terrance Paul Davidson
Tim Robbins - Nick Beam

“- Mother-in-Law: In my day, the women stayed home. Not the lazy men.
- Bobby Davis: In your day, men were busy building pyramids! How long ago was that?”
Bebe Drake - Mother-in-Law
Martin Lawrence - Bobby Davis

“Hold your head up, 'cause you got that double-chin thing going on.”

Martin Lawrence - Kevin Caffery

“- Detective Mike Lowrey: Me? I shot you? I mean, I was shooting. I did at lot of shooting. But I'm not saying I shot you in the ass... but I'm not saying I didn't shoot you.
[looks]
- Detective Mike Lowrey: But damn! Somebody shot you in the ass!
- Detective Marcus Burnett: Tell me about it.”
Will Smith - Detective Mike Lowrey
Martin Lawrence - Detective Marcus Burnett

“Can't believe so much bad shit can happen on such a beautiful day.”
Martin Lawrence - Miles Logan

“- Detective Marcus Burnett: Are you a model or a cop?
- Detective Mike Lowrey: Hey, man, I like lookin' good, that's all.
- Detective Marcus Burnett: For who?
- Detective Mike Lowrey: Hey man, don't hate the playa, hate the game.
- Detective Marcus Burnett: [as Detective Mike Lowrey walks away] Hate the tailor.”

Martin Lawrence - Detective Marcus Burnett
Will Smith - Detective Mike Lowrey

- Terrance Paul Davidson: Hey, is this your wife? Damn! I see why you were upset! Not bad Nick, not bad, Nick! You know, for a cheatin' bitch.
- Nick Beam: Hey! Don't you call her that, you don't know her, don't say that.
- Terrance Paul Davidson: Okay, okay, no disrespect. What should I call her? "Monogamously challenged"?
Martin Lawrence - Terrance Paul Davidson
Tim Robbins - Nick Beam

“- Hank Rafferty: Do you actually believe the crap that comes out of your mouth?
- Earl Montgomery: I'm not really sure until I'm finished talkin'.”
Steve Zahn - Hank Rafferty
Martin Lawrence - Earl Montgomery

“Your partner got killed. You lost your job. You went to jail. Your girlfriend walked. You got a job as a security guard at a hundred and eighty-two dollars a week. You know what you are, Hank? You're a black man.”
Martin Lawrence - Earl Montgomery