Tom Arnold movie quotes

“I come home one day and the house is empty, and I mean completely empty. She even took the ice cube trays out of the freezer. What kind of a sick bitch takes the ice cube trays out of the freezer?”

Tom Arnold - Albert Gibson

“Women. Can't live with 'em. Can't kill 'em!”
Tom Arnold - Albert Gibson

“As husband to my grandmother I am my own grandpa!”
Tom Arnold - Stanley Stupid

“- Lt. Serdman: I'd say you picked the wrong store to rob this time, pal.
- Franklin Laszlo: Excuse me, Lieutenant but I am not robbing this store.
- Lt. Serdman: I suppose that's a bag of donuts you got there right?
- Franklin Laszlo: They don't even serve donuts here, you should know that, you're a cop.”
Tom Arnold - Franklin Laszlo

“- Henry Wayne: Do you like big women?
- T.K. Johnson: I love big women. If you want to feel the heat you got to have the meat.”
Tom Arnold - Henry Wayne
Anthony Anderson - T.K. Johnson

“- Kirby: Dad are we really going to New York City?
- Rosco Bigger - Fang: That's why they call them mobile homes, son, 'cause they're mobile.”
Cody McMains - Kirby
Tom Arnold - Rosco Bigger - Fang

“- Harry Tasker: You tell on me, I tell on you.
- Albert Gibson: What are you talking about, I'm as clean as a preacher's sheets. I'm as clean as...
- Harry Tasker: What about that time you blew a six-week operation because you were too busy getting a blow job?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Harry Tasker
Tom Arnold - Albert Gibson

“- Rosco Bigger - Fang: Drink your juice yet?
- David Leary: No, why?
- Rosco Bigger - Fang: 'Peed in it.”
Tom Arnold - Rosco Bigger - Fang
Rick Moranis - David Leary

“- Albert Gibson: Do you think she's still a virgin?
- Harry Tasker: Dont be ridiculous, she's only... what is she now?
- Albert Gibson: She's fourteen!
- Harry Tasker: She's fourteen-years-old!
- Albert Gibson: Yeah, and her little hormones are going off like a car alarm.”
Tom Arnold - Albert Gibson
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Harry Tasker

“- Rosco Bigger - Fang: I went to the hospital but there was a line so I drove over to the hardware store, got some needle and thread, and sewed it back on.
- David Leary: You sewed on your own thumb?
- Rosco Bigger - Fang: I'm good at stuff like that.”

Tom Arnold - Rosco Bigger - Fang
Rick Moranis - David Leary

“What did you expect, Harry? Helen's a flesh and blood woman and you're never there. It was only a matter of time.”

Tom Arnold - Albert Gibson

“Your life's in the crapper. So you wife is banging a used car salesman, it's humiliating, I know. But goddamnit, Harry, take it like a man!”
Tom Arnold - Albert Gibson

“If he was comin' in here to take somethin' of mine, you're damn right, I'd shoot to kill. Now if God wants to have mercy on their souls, that's up to him, but I'd shoot to kill!”
Tom Arnold - August Murray

“Kids: 10 seconds of joy, 30 years of misery.”
Tom Arnold - Albert Gibson

“- Franklin Laszlo: We could use a nut like you down at the carnival. Ever bite the head off a chicken?
- Mr. Hammerman: Not lately.”
Tom Arnold - Franklin Laszlo
Rod Steiger - Mr. Hammerman

“- Franklin Laszlo: Who farted? Did you cut the cheese, Dan?
- Daniel Miller: For God's sake, no I did not.
- Franklin Laszlo: How about you, Kayla?
- Kayla: Girls don't fart.”
Tom Arnold - Franklin Laszlo
David Paymer - Daniel Miller
Rachael Leigh Cook - Kayla

“I'm not a perfect person. I see a buck on the ground, I pick it up. Sometimes I take more than 10 items right through the express lane, and I have a temper, like my neighbor plays his music too loud. So I killed him, I cut him up and I put him in my freezer. I'm just kidding! Just breaking the tension!”
Tom Arnold - Franklin Laszlo

“- Franklin Laszlo: Great tape. This is yours?
- Daniel Miller: Oh yeah, I got everything by the Screaming Idiots.
- Franklin Laszlo: This is the Ramones, actually, I haven't heard the Idiots yet, maybe you can turn me on to them.”

Tom Arnold - Franklin Laszlo
David Paymer - Daniel Miller

- Anthony Fait: You read Chinese?
- Archie: No, but I know "cop" in every language.
DMX - Anthony Fait
Tom Arnold - Archie

“- Franklin Laszlo: Where are your donuts?
- Todd: Sir, we're a gourmet market.
- Franklin Laszlo: Okay, where are your gourmet donuts?”
Tom Arnold - Franklin Laszlo
Shawn Macdonald - Todd

“- Joan Stupid: Oh dear I left the garbage out over night.
- Stanley Stupid: Oh no. Someone's stolen our garbage again.”
Jessica Lundy - Joan Stupid
Tom Arnold - Stanley Stupid

“- Arnie: I didn't say nothing mister, you must be hearing things. Bye bye, Arnie loves you. Ya penis-head.
- Marty: Now I heard that!
- Arnie: Heard what?
- Marty: I heard what you said!
- Arnie: I didn't say nothing... Ya fat ass pussy.”
Charles Martinet - Arnie
Tom Arnold - Marty Dwyer

“- Gas Station Attendant: Sir, did you know there's a hole in your gas tank.
- Stanley Stupid: That's how you get the gas in there.”
Costa-Gavras - Gas Station Guy
Tom Arnold - Stanley Stupid

“- Stanley Stupid: The car won't start.
- Buster Stupid: Maybe the battery is dead.
- Joan Stupid: It was perfectly healthy this morning.”
Tom Arnold - Stanley Stupid
Bug Hall - Buster Stupid
Jessica Lundy - Joan Stupid

“- Gail Dwyer: Who is that, honey?
- Marty: It's, uh, my mother.
- Gail Dwyer: I thought she was dead!
- Marty: Yeah, I know, it's really weird!”
Joan Cusack - Gail Dwyer
Tom Arnold - Marty Dwyer