“Jeff Dunham: Arguing with Myself” quotes

“- Jeff Dunham: [softly, to Peanut about José Jalapeño] You were supposed to have taken him to the spa.
- Peanut: [whispering] I took him to the spa!
- José Jalapeño: He put me in the vegetable steamer.”

Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Peanut
Jeff Dunham - José Jalapeño

“- Walter: My wife and I heard that coffee's good for your sex life.
- Jeff Dunham: Coffee?
- Walter: Yeah.
- Jeff Dunham: Is it?
- Walter: No. It kept me awake through the whole damn thing! I actually had to participate.”
Jeff Dunham - Walter
Jeff Dunham - Jeff Dunham

“Why do I gag on my tootbrush but not when I'm performing oral sex on my boyfriend? Well, obviously, the toothbrush is bigger.”

Jeff Dunham - Walter

“- Jeff Dunham: Bubba J., when you go to a NASCAR race and you party a lot, who is your designated driver?
- Bubba J.: What the fuck is that?
- Jeff Dunham: Do you drive drunk?
- Bubba J.: No, officer! I'm practicing.”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Bubba J.

“- Jeff Dunham: Are you married?
- Bubba J.: Yep.
- Jeff Dunham: Your wife pretty?
- Bubba J.: Ye... no!
- Jeff Dunham: What's the difference?
- Bubba J.: The light.”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Bubba J.

“- Bubba J.: I'm tired of hearin' that most NASCAR fans drink too much.
- Jeff Dunham: Oh, 'cause it's not true?
- Bubba J.: Oh, no, it's true, I'm just tired of hearing it. Makes me thirsty for another beer.”
Jeff Dunham - Bubba J.
Jeff Dunham - Himself

“- José Jalapeño: Purple bastard.
- Peanut: Mexican condiment.
- Jeff Dunham: A condiment?
- José Jalapeño: I do not use them.
- Peanut: You don't?
- José Jalapeño: And neither did your mother.”

Jeff Dunham - José Jalapeño
Jeff Dunham - Peanut
Jeff Dunham - Himself

“- Jeff Dunham: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line?
- Walter: Oh. [clears his throat] Welcome to Wal-Mart, get your shit and get out!”
Jeff Dunham - Jeff Dunham
Jeff Dunham - Walter

“- Jeff Dunham: [talking about Walter's wife] She's a lovely lady.
- Walter: She's getting old.
- Jeff Dunham: Well, women age like... like fine wine.
- Walter: She's aging like milk!”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Walter

- Peanut: You should get drunk and go to a strip club.
- Jeff Dunham: [confused] Why?
- Peanut: You'd be throwing your voice in places it should never come from. A girl comes dancing up to the table, and all of a sudden everyone hears "Let me out!". "It's dark in here!". "No coins, please!".
- Jeff Dunham: Oh, stop it!

Jeff Dunham - Peanut
Jeff Dunham - Himself

- Jeff Dunham: Walter, what exactly is marriage to you?
- Walter: It's like drinking a slurpy.
- Jeff Dunham: A slurpy.
- Walter: First couple of sips, it's like "boy this is really good! I'm glad I did this!". Then you keep drinking, it goes right to your head, and you go "ow, ow, ooooow! What the hell was I thinking? Someone kill me please!".
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Walter

“- Jeff Dunham: I do know I have grandparents who are well into their 80s. They're still having fun.
- Walter: Their 80s?
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Walter: Good god! What the hell kind of sex is that?”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Walter

“- Walter: Doctor said it's bad for my heart.
- Jeff Dunham: All the caffeine?
- Walter: No, seeing my wife naked.
- Jeff Dunham: That's awful.
- Walter: Oh, you've seen her, too?”
Jeff Dunham - Walter
Jeff Dunham - Himself

“- Sweet Daddy Dee: Let's make an analogy here.
- Jeff Dunham: An analogy?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: If we were foods, I would be a fine summer wine that would divine anytime.
- Jeff Dunham: Ah. What about me?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: Every good wine needs a cracker.”
Jeff Dunham - Sweet Daddy Dee
Jeff Dunham - Himself

I went over to her house one night, was supposed to pick her up at seven, showed up at seven thirty. Her daddy was out on the porch with his shotgun, he said, "hey, Bubba J! Guess who else is late?".

Jeff Dunham - Bubba J.

“- Jeff Dunham: Will you please tell these people I don't abuse drugs?
- Peanut: Okaaay! [turns to the audience] Jeff does not abuse drugs.
- Jeff Dunham: Thank you.
- Peanut: He's an alcoholic.”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Peanut

“- Walter: Last night, I couldn't find a place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint. Then some jerk pulled up in a brand-new Mercedes, goes right in the handicap spot. He got out of the car and there was nothing wrong with him! Don't you hate that?
- Audience: Yeah!
- Walter: So I ran his ass over. I made an honest man out of him. Then his...” (continue)(continue reading)
Jeff Dunham - Walter

- Walter: Cops on bicycles.
- Jeff Dunham: What's wrong with that?
- Walter: How intimidating is this? "All right, buddy, pull over". Ching-ching, ching-ching! What do they do there when they arrest somebody? "All right, in the basket".
Jeff Dunham - Walter
Jeff Dunham - Himself

“- Jeff Dunham: Walter, are you happy to be here?
- Walter: [sarcastically] Overjoyed! Last week, I was lying on a beach in Maui, and I couldn't decide, gee, should I stay in Hawaii or go to frickin' Santa Ana? My god, I can die happy now.
- Jeff Dunham: Fine city.
- Walter: I don't give a damn.”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Walter

“I used to chase skirts all over the world, until I got to Scotland, and, Boy, was I surprised!”
Jeff Dunham - Walter

“What kind of three-and-a-half hours is this? Look, they're making a left turn! Oh, they're making another left turn! Oh, they're making another left turn! I wonder what's gonna happen next? Let's go to commercial! Come back in ten minutes, you ain't gonna miss a fucking thing!”

Jeff Dunham - Sweet Daddy Dee

“- Jeff Dunham: How long have you been married?
- Walter: Ah, what is it now? Uh, 46 years.
- Jeff Dunham: Ah. What was the happiest moment of your life?
- Walter: Forty-seven years ago.”
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Walter

“- Sweet Daddy Dee: Why do you do what you do?
- Jeff Dunham: Why? Because I enjoy it and it's the best way I know to make money.
- Sweet Daddy Dee: You the ho!
- Jeff Dunham: Wait a minute, what if I said I do it only because I enjoy it?
- Sweet Daddy Dee: You the dumb ho. Ha ha!”
Jeff Dunham - Sweet Daddy Dee
Jeff Dunham - Himself

- Jeff Dunham: So, uh, Bubba J., what does the J stand for?
- Bubba J.: Uh, my last name is Junior.
- Jeff Dunham: Oh. Well, it's a good thing they didn't name you "Junior".
- Bubba J.: Yeah, that'd be dumb. Junior Junior. [laughs] That's my brother's name.
Jeff Dunham - Himself
Jeff Dunham - Bubba J.

- Walter: Remember when you said, "'Til death do us part?".
- Jeff Dunham: Yeah.
- Walter: Later you'll realize you were actually setting a goal.
Jeff Dunham - Walter
Jeff Dunham - Jeff Dunham