Jest quotes

“Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same reason.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“- Enid: Dear Josh, we came by to fuck you, but you were not home. Therefore you are gay. Signed Tiffany and Amber.
- Rebecca: You're gonna leave that?
- Enid: Why not?”

Thora Birch - Enid
Scarlett Johansson - Rebecca

“A jester unemployed is nobody's fool.”
Danny Kaye - Hubert Hawkins

“- Bam Margera: So the guys think they're coming here for a photo shoot, but little do they know we've got a shitload of bees we're gonna put through the sunroof and we've rigged the locks so they can't get out.
- Johnny Knoxville: And when they do get out, we got some marbles waiting for them.”
Bam Margera - himself
Johnny Knoxville - himself

“- Colleen: I don't really like my photo being taken...
- Hemmings: [mocking] I don't really like my photo being taken...”
Claudia Lee - Colleen
Kal Penn - Peter Hemmings

“- James Bond: You are miss...?
- Dr. Christmas Jones: Doctor Jones. Christmas Jones, and don't tell me any jokes, I've heard them all.
- James Bond: I don't know any doctor jokes.”
Pierce Brosnan - James Bond
Denise Richards - Dr. Christmas Jones

“- Grady 'Coon-Ass' Travis: Keep ridin' me.
- Wardaddy: I'm not riding you. If I was, you'd know it.”
Jon Bernthal - Grady 'Coon-Ass' Travis
Brad Pitt - Wardaddy

“- Eddie: No problem, fellas. It ain't a hole. It's a tunnel. And what's every tunnel got?
- Norby: Ooh! Don't tell me! I know, I know, I know. It's uh…
- Veeko: Tollbooth at the end.
- Eddie: Are you always this stupid, or do you do this just to annoy me?”
Joe Mantegna - Eddie
Joe Pantoliano - Norby
Brian Haley - Veeko

Hey, you hear the one about the lady who backed into a fan? It was a disaster. "Dis-assed" her.
Chris Farley - Haru

“- Jack Reacher: What I mean is, the cheapest woman tends to be the one you pay for.
- Sandy: I am not a hooker!
- Jack Reacher: Well, a hooker would get the joke.”
Tom Cruise - Jack Reacher
Alexia Fast - Sandy

“- Augustus Waters: It's all dark to Isaac.
- Isaac: Dude, I'm not deaf, I'm just blind, so I can hear when you make fun of my disability.”
Ansel Elgort - Gus
Nat Wolff - Isaac

“- Buddy Kupfer: Conal Cochran, the all time genius in the practical jokes. He invented sticky toilet paper.
- Daniel Challis: Ah!
- Buddy Kupfer: Oh you must know. The dead dwarf gag, the soft chainsaw, all his.”
Ralph Strait - Buddy Kupfer
Tom Atkins - Daniel Challis

“- Aubrey: What's your name?
- Fat Amy: Fat Amy.
- Aubrey: You call yourself Fat Amy?
- Fat Amy: Yeah, so twig bitches like you don't do it behind my back.”
Anna Camp - Aubrey
Rebel Wilson - Fat Amy

“- Doug Madsen: You like the waitress?
- Dudley Frank: Oh, man. I wanted to say something funny to her, but all I could think of was black jokes.
- Bobby Davis: Like which ones?
- Dudley Frank: I forget.
- Bobby Davis: Why don't you tell the one that ends with you getting your ass whooped.
- Dudley Frank: Would that be funny?
- Bobby Davis: I'll...” (continue)(continue reading)
Tim Allen - Doug Madsen
William H. Macy - Dudley Frank
Martin Lawrence - Bobby Davis

“- Ian Miller: I know this great place... Zorba something... anyway, I'd love to take you there if you'd like to go.
- Toula Portokalos: Uh, that place, Dancing Zorba's...
- Ian Miller: Dancing Zorba's!
- Toula Portokalos: My family kinda owns that place.
- Ian Miller: [looking at her closely] I remember you. You're that waitress.
- Toula...” (continue)(continue reading)
Nia Vardalos - Ian Miller
John Corbett - Toula Portokalos

“If you tell a bad joke, you can put a laugh track over it - but the joke's still not funny.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“Today I was in the oval office for a preparatory meeting and I sat behind the President's desk and I had a reality check. I sat there and I went: 'Wait a minute, I'm a Jester. A Jester doesn't rule the kingdom; he makes fun of the king'.”
Robin Williams - Tom Dobbs

“- Carl Hanratty: Well, would you like to hear me tell a joke?
- Earl Amdursky: Yeah. Yeah, we'd love to hear a joke from you.
- Carl Hanratty: Knock knock.
- Earl Amdursky: Who's there?
- Carl Hanratty: Go fuck yourselves.”
Tom Hanks - Carl Hanratty
Brian Howe - Earl Amdursky

“- Mike: Come on, let's go, I'm giving a pop quiz and I can't wait to hear the groans!
- Ian Miller: Wow! You're mean! I give a test on Hamlet but I give fair warning!”
Ian Gomez - Mike
John Corbett - Ian Miller

“You guys wanna hear something fucked up and awesome? I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick!”
Kal Penn - Kumar Patel

“- Vanessa: You remember that time that you broke into the animal lab and like stole that monkey and put it in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room?
- Kumar Patel: First of all, that was Goldstein's idea, and second of all, had I known that the monkey had AIDS, I never would've done that.”
Danneel Ackles - Vanessa
Kal Penn - Kumar Patel

“- Higgins: This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it,...” (continue)(continue reading)
Steven M. Porter - Higgins
Matthew Perry - Leslie Edwards
Chris Farley - Bartholomew Hunt

“What is going on? Mr. Pottery class... nice to meet ya.”
Gia Carides - Nikki

Oh my God. You want to talk about mothers? You wanna talk about mothers! It's mother time, okay! Your mother's so dumb she went to Dr Dre for a Pap smear! "Something's wrong, Dr Dre! My coochie's doing a beatbox!".
Shawn Wayans - Kevin Copeland

“Fat chicks are cool, they're like mopeds: fun to ride, just don't let your friends see you do it.”
Matthew Lillard - Billy Brubaker