Ashton Kutcher movie quotes

“- Sarah: Tom, you're acting like a crazy person!
- Tom: Well, maybe it's cuz I just got hit in the head with a ten pound ashtray!”
Brittany Murphy - Sarah
Ashton Kutcher - Tom

“Families are inevitable, they're like death or taxes.”
Ashton Kutcher - Hank

“- Tania: I'm a gender-challenged male.
- Jesse Montgomery III: What does that mean?
[Tania reveals her penis]
- Jesse Montgomery III: Whoa! Dude, you're a dude!”
Teressa Tunney - Tania
Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery III

“What makes a legend? Is it what someone did while they were alive? Or how they're remembered after they're gone?”
Ashton Kutcher - Jake Fischer

“- T.J.: You rat me out, I'm gonna carve you like a turkey and beat your kids with what's left of you.
- Tom Stansfield: I don't have any kids.
- T.J.: I can wait.”
Michael Madsen - T.J.
Ashton Kutcher - Tom Stansfield

“This is the moneymaker! I'm not that good of an actor! This is how I get the jobs, I know that.”

Ashton Kutcher - Hank

“- Jimmy: Can you explain to us why for what other reason than the fact it feels good, do we want to get stoned?
- Fisher: Because it's our way of getting closer to God.
- Jimmy: That is what you're looking for; except for you didn't know it, until this minute.”
Brian Geraghty - Jimmy
Ashton Kutcher - Fisher

“- Oliver Martin: What's your stance on pancakes?
- Emily Friehl: I am pro-pancakes.”
Ashton Kutcher - Oliver Martin
Amanda Peet - Emily Friehl

“- Kyle: Rich daddy equals expectations. Expectations are like a fungal rot on a marriage.
- Tom: Our marriage is not going to have a 'fungal rot'.
- Kyle: Unless she finds out you slaughtered her dog!
[laughs, then stops, seeing Tom's expression]
- Kyle: Oh, don't worry, I'll take that to my grave.”
David Moscow - Kyle
Ashton Kutcher - Tom

“Babe, you're acting like I have cheated on you, and I have never cheated on you. Except for that one time, with myself, and you caught me.”
Ashton Kutcher - Simon Green

“- Nora Baker: Oh honey, they're just welcoming you into the family.
- Hank: They set me on fire.
- Nora Baker: Just your pants.”
Piper Perabo - Nora Baker
Ashton Kutcher - Hank

“I'm here to save lives.”

Ashton Kutcher - Jake Fischer

“- Jesse Montgomery III: Who's Johnny Potsmoker?
- Chester Greenburg: Oh, that's my alter ego.
- Jesse Montgomery III: Wait, I thought Johnny Potsmoker was my alter ego.
- Chester Greenburg: No. Yours is Smokey McPot.”
Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery III
Seann William Scott - Chester Greenburg

“I don't know where we're gonna be in 10, 20, 40 years. I don't know who we're gonna be. I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to give her all of this. There are a million things that I don't know. But there's one thing that I do. And that's that I love Sarah.”

Ashton Kutcher - Tom

“- Tom: So basically, you're asking me if I would rather be married to Sarah or have 51 one night stands.
- Kyle: Minimum.
- Tom: I don't even have to think about it.
- Kyle: Ok, is there a girl you wished you'd hooked up with, but didn't?
- Tom: You are like the worst best man ever!”
Ashton Kutcher - Tom
David Moscow - Kyle

“- Jesse Montgomery III: Dude, this is an emergency!
- Chester Greenburg: So is this, dude. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency!”

Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery III
Seann William Scott - Chester Greenburg

Guess when I'm an old man, I'll never have to wonder, "What if...?".
Ashton Kutcher - Oliver Martin

“Well, if it wasn't love, it was a lot like it.”
Ashton Kutcher - Oliver Martin

“- Sarah: Tom, have you ever not told me something cause you were afraid of how I would react? Like have you ever not told me the truth about anything?
- Tom: Like when I told you I liked your brother?
- Sarah: This is serious Tom.
- Tom: I am serious, I really don't like him.”
Brittany Murphy - Sarah
Ashton Kutcher - Tom

“- Jesse Montgomery III: You know what we should do?
- Chester Greenburg: Eat?
- Jesse Montgomery III: No.
[thinks for a moment]
- Jesse Montgomery III: Eat!”
Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery III
Seann William Scott - Chester Greenburg

“- Chester Greenburg: How wasted were we last night?
- Jesse Montgomery III: Well, I touched Christy Boner's hoo-hoo, were on the hook for two hundred thousand dollars to a transsexual stripper, and my car's gone. I'd say we were pretty wasted.”
Seann William Scott - Chester Greenburg
Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery III

“- Mr. Pizzacoli: A trained dolphin could do a better job than you two!
- Jesse Montgomery III: Yeah, but then the pizzas would get all wet.”

John Toles-Bey - Mr. Pizzacoli
Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery III

“- Jack Taylor: What's this I hear about you making fun of midgets?
- Tom Stansfield: I never make fun of midgets!
- Jack Taylor: You said, it would be fun to date one because then you could rest your beer on their head, now I have a sense of humour, but that's just sick.”
Terence Stamp - Jack Taylor
Ashton Kutcher - Tom Stansfield

“- Jesse Montgomery III: Nelson, your dog's a stoner!
- Chester Greenburg: Can he also bong a beer?
- Nelson: Nah, all he does is pretty much lie around and smoke his pipe.”
Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery III
Seann William Scott - Chester Greenburg
David Herman - Nelson

“- Jesse Montgomery III: Hey, have you seen my car?
- Christie Boner: Well, I saw it last night. I mean, I saw the backseat...
- Jesse Montgomery III: [oblivious] No, I'm talking about the whole thing.”
Ashton Kutcher - Jesse Montgomery III
Kristy Swanson - Christie Boner