David Spade movie quotes

“In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.”
David Spade

“You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.”
David Spade

“Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?”

David Spade - Kuzco

“- Pacha: For the last time, it was not a kiss!
- Kuzco: Well, whatever you call it, it was disgusting! And to think, if you'd done what I ordered you to do in the first place, we all could have been spared your little kiss of life!”

David Spade - Kuzco
John Goodman - Patcha

“I got a little secret for you. Come here. No, closer. I don't make deals with peasants!”
David Spade - Kuzco

“- Steve Dodds: What the heck is that?
- Mike Donnelly: Ah! It's Ozzy Osborne!”

David Spade - Steve Dodds
Chris Farley - Mike Donnelly

“Ugh, I can actually hear you getting fatter.”

David Spade - Richard

“- Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
- Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.
- Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
- Yzma: I...” (continue)(continue reading)
Patrick Warburton - Kronk
Eartha Kitt - Yzma
David Spade - Kuzco

“- Pacha: Someday, you're gonna wind up all alone, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.
- Kuzko: Thanks for that. I'll log that away.”
John Goodman - Patcha
David Spade - Kuzco

“Let's take a look-see. Hate your hair. Not likely. Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. And, let me guess, you have a great personality.”

David Spade - Kuzco

“You know who else I don't get? Vin Diesel. I mean, is he good looking? Is he Chinese, or what? I mean, I don't know.”
David Spade - Dickie Roberts

“I make that same face when I put my cologne on in the morning, especially when I'm home alone.”

David Spade - General George Custer

“- Joe Dirt: There are three rules when dealin' with a deadly alligator. And yes, they are deadly, don't kid yaself. Rule number one, I'm number one. Ya hear that, I like ta kid around. Rule two, the croc's number two. Now before I begin...
- Kid at Gator Farm: Hey, what's rule three?
- Joe Dirt: What's that? Kid, give me a break now.
- Kid at...” (continue)(continue reading)
David Spade - Joe Dirt

“- Richard: Housekeeping, you want towel?
- Tommy: No towels. Need sleepy.
- Richard: Housekeeping, you want mint for pillow?
- Tommy: Please go away let me sleep for the love of God!
- Richard: Housekeeping, you want me jerk you off?
- Tommy: [gets out of bed] What kinda hotel is this?... [opens the door] Oh, it's you.”

David Spade - Richard
Chris Farley - Tommy

“Well I didn't know she was my sister when I kissed her, so it's not my fault. And she's one of the hottest girls on the planet.
[turns to a mirror]
You just said your sister's hot! What a freak! You're goin' to hell man!
[turns away from the mirror]
I gotta tell her what happened, why I got weird. And for god sakes, I gotta treat her like a...” (continue)(continue reading)

David Spade - Joe Dirt

“To be famous and broke is hard.”
David Spade

“- Marcus Higgins: Hey, what's up, Lenny? Buddy, I thought you were gonna start working out.
- Lenny Feder: What does that mean?
- Marcus Higgins: You're fat.”
David Spade - Marcus Higgins
Adam Sandler - Lenny Feder

“- Joe Dirt: You wanna fight? Why don't you stick your head up my butt and fight for air.
- Zeke: That's it. You and me, let's go.
- Joe Dirt: You know I'd love to beat your ass all up and down this place but I gotta go back to work.
- Oil Rig Boss: Joe Dirt, your fired. Here's your week's pay.
- Joe Dirt: Dang.”
David Spade - Joe Dirt
Lee Walker - Zeke
Gordon Michaels - Oil Rig Boss

“Never date a woman who pays her rent in singles.”
David Spade - Dylan Ramsey

“- Meteor Bert: Well, it ain't a meteor.
- Joe Dirt: Yeah, it is. It came out of the sky.
- Meteor Bert: Well I'm sure it did but it ain't no meteor. It's a big ol' frozen chunk o' shit.
- Joe Dirt: What?
- Meteor Bert: Oh yeah, see them airplanes they dump their toilets 36,000 feet. The stuff freezes and falls to earth. We call 'em Boeing bombs.”
Hamilton Camp - Meteor Bert
David Spade - Joe Dirt

“- Kicking Wing: Good stuff? This is the good stuff, snakes and sparklers.
- Joe Dirt: Are you nuts dude? You need stuff that'll explode. Go boom!
- Kicking Wing: Why is that good?
- Joe Dirt: Well, huh, might as, might as well ask why is a tree good? Why is the sunset good? Why are boobs good? Man, firecrackers, ya stick 'em in mailboxes, you...” (continue)(continue reading)

Adam Beach - Kicking Wing
David Spade - Joe Dirt

“- Joe Dirt: If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
- Jill: Sure will. Do you wanna go back to my place?
- Joe Dirt: Sure do.”
David Spade - Joe Dirt
Jaime Pressly - Jill

“I don't wear pants at my house, I'm not wearing them in your house. Sorry.”

David Spade - Marcus Higgins

“- Sally Finney: Dickie, you promised to help me with my pep squad tryouts.
- Dickie Roberts: Oh, I will. That pep squad spot's got your name all over it. Did I ever tell you I was a backup dancer for Vanilla Ice?”
Jenna Boyd - Sally Finney
David Spade - Dickie Roberts

“And at that moment I thought I might just lie there and never get up. I would just sit there and rot there, but then I looked up and saw the Moon and got this weird feeling that Brandi was looking up at that same moon.”

David Spade - Joe Dirt