Jon Lovitz movie quotes

“I've always loved travel anyway: the open road, the smell of the wind in my face, the flies clogging up my grill.”
Jon Lovitz - Radio

“Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?”
Jon Lovitz - Mr. Marks

“- Jack Colt: Give me a name!
- Tim Becker: Weren't your parents supposed to do that?”
Emilio Estevez - Jack Colt
Jon Lovitz - Tim Becker

“Yeah, I'm just going home, grab a shower and shave, give the wife a little pickle-tickle, and I'm on my way.”
Jon Lovitz - Ernie Capadino

“- Josh: What's this?
- Scotty Brennen: Pay day.
- Josh: [opens up the envelope and looks at his check] A hundred and eighty seven dollars?
- Scotty Brennen: Yeah. They really screw you, don't they?”
Tom Hanks - Josh
Jon Lovitz - Scotty Brennen

“- Richard Clark: Why are you late?
- Natalie Thompson: Because the bell rang before I got here.”
Jon Lovitz - Richard Clark
Malinda Williams - Natalie Thompson

“- Principal Evelyn Doyle: I inherited the business from my late husband.
- Richard Clark: I'm shocked!
- Principal Evelyn Doyle: What? That a woman can run a business?
- Richard Clark: No. That you were ever married.”
Louise Fletcher - Principal Evelyn Doyle
Jon Lovitz - Richard Clark

“Sometimes the best way to make 'em laugh is to show 'em how you honestly feel.”
Jon Lovitz

“The problem with the economy isn't that people aren't paying their fair share of taxes.”
Jon Lovitz

“I said what a lot of people are thinking and a lot of people have thanked me.”
Jon Lovitz

“- Principal Evelyn Doyle: What is she doing here?
- Richard Clark: She's my bitch! Well... my significant other. We've been slappin' skins for sometime.”

Louise Fletcher - Principal Evelyn Doyle
Jon Lovitz - Richard Clark

“- Mitch: It was on the kitchen table.
- Glen: Uhhh!
- Mitch: And an hour later we ate on that table!”

Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins
Jon Lovitz - Glen Robbins

“- Beverly Pear: Your daughter has to go to the bathroom!
- Randy Pear: All right, all right, Jason, look in the back for an empty jar.
- Beverly Pear: A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.
- Randy Pear: Oh, right. Sorry. Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel.”
Kathy Najimy - Beverly Pear
Jon Lovitz - Randy Pear

“- Richard Clark: I'm Richard Clark, I'm the new history teacher here. What department do you teach in?
- Teacher: I don't know, something up on the third floor.”
Jon Lovitz - Richard Clark

“- Glen: Phil, when was the last time you were with a woman?
- Phil: Uh, Saturday... Saturday will be a year.
- Glen: Ow!
- Mitch: Gee, if I had known, I'd have gotten you a cake.”
Jon Lovitz - Glen Robbins
Daniel Stern - Phil Berquist
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“- Marvin Shabazz: I'll shove my dick so far up your ass, I'll impale your tonsils.
- Sol: That's a lovely picture.
- Marvin Shabazz: Shut up!
- Sol: Okay.”
Michael Jace - Marvin Shabazz
Jon Lovitz - Sol

“- Thaddeus Clark: Richard, if you do this, you will fail. You... will... fail! And mark my works, you'll come crawling back here with your tail between your legs!
- Richard Clark: You're wrong, father. I'm gonna succeed at Barry High School. And, I have no intention of ever crawling back here with anything between my legs!”
John Neville - Thaddeus Clark
Jon Lovitz - Richard Clark

“- Randy Pear: Give it to me. You can't play that.
- Jason Pear: Why not?
- Randy Pear: Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.
- Jason Pear: You're driving his car!
- Randy Pear: Yes, but I'm not touching it with my mouth. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not getting his germs!”
Jon Lovitz - Randy Pear
Brody Smith - Jason Pear

“- Cat: I saw you cheating. You played your last hand, Chula.
- T.R. Chula: I don't think so. I have seven more, dog chow!”
Jon Lovitz - T.R. Chula

“- Mel: Have you even known the joys of having children?
- Richie: Never had a date.
- Clark: Never talked to a girl.”
Jon Lovitz - Mel
David Spade - Richie
Jon Heder - Clark

“- Blanky: Help me! I'm stuck!
- Toaster: I hear him.
- Lampy: I don't see him anywhere.
- The Radio: Maybe he's calling from Blanket Heaven. He's a white, fluffly little angel with a knob-nose.”
Timothy E. Day - Blanky
Deanna Oliver - Toaster
Timothy Stack - Lampy
Jon Lovitz - Radio

“You know, if I had your job, I'd kill myself! Wait here, I'll see if I can dig up a pistol.”

Jon Lovitz - Ernie Capadino

“- Glen: The sun sets in the East, right?
- Mitch: No! The sun sets in the West.
- Glen: That's if your in the East, but we are way out West now, so we are past where the sun sets.
- Mitch: You can't be passed where the sun sets, and if you think you can, then I am directly South of an idiot!”
Jon Lovitz - Glen Robbins
Billy Crystal - Mitch Robbins

“- Richard Clark: Well, Julie I hoped you learned a valuable lesson from this.
- Julie Rubels: Oh, yes. Basically as far as vasectomies go, never use the home kit.”

Jon Lovitz - Richard Clark
Natasha Gregson Wagner - Julie Rubels

“I think we should just concentrate on the glasses half full.”
Jon Lovitz - Calico